Shed Masta Flex types...
"I'm now settled back in after the wedding and ready to opine on the Bears. Since the Cutler trade there have been three main themes about Cutler and the Bears, 1 positive, 2 negative.
Positive: The Bears drastically improved at the quarterback position by trading for a premier quarterback
Negative 1: Despite his talents, Cutler is a gunslinger and makes more bad decisions and poor plays than a game manager like Orton.
Negative 2: The Bears have poor receivers, so the impact of the Cutler trade will be less than is expected
I don't want to set expectations unreasonably high because I'm tired of being disappointed when I'm wrong (see 2008 Cubs). I looked into the two negative themes to see if there was any merit to them.
Thoughts on Theme 1: When looking at the percentage of overall attempts, Cutler's play is not any more risky than Orton's.
Cutler has fewer poor throws, passes hit at the line and "Other" throws than Orton as a percentage of his overall attempts.
Looking at the raw numbers, Cutler's 18 interceptions last year look a lot worse than Orton's 12, but my contention is that Cutler's mistake numbers were actually about the same as Orton's.
Cutler and Orton's receivers dropped more passes than any of the other QBs receivers above (I will touch on this further below).
Cutler's "Other" numbers are especially low. Orton's numbers are especially high.
Not sure exactly whats in Other, but my guess would be intentional throws out of bounds and spikes. Meaning Cutler not only throws for huge yards, but also goes for it when others might end the play (and he still doesn't have elevated mistake numbers).
He has Big Nuts - a positive in almost any sport except cycling.
Manning is a world class quarterback. In my mind his only flaw is the happy feet he gets when under pressure. He might be the best ever. Warner, to his credit, had a world class season in 2009.
Conclusion: In 2008 Cutler made roughly the same amount of mistakes as a percentage of his overall attempts as Orton, but threw for nearly 1,500 more yards and seven more TDs.
Thoughts on Theme 2: The Bears receiving corps may look a lot different from Denver's 2008 group, but they will not drastically hurt Cutler's performance like the media and Donald Driver say they will.
Bears Broncos
Total Yards 3229 4545
Yards After Catch (YAC) 1564 1891
YAC Percentage 48.4% 41.6%
Total Yards YAC YAC Percentage
Bears Devin Hester 665 216 32.5%
Greg Olsen 574 270 47.0%
Matt Forte 477 441 92.5%
Broncos Brandon Marshall 1265 439 34.7%
Eddie Royal 980 359 36.6%
Tony Scheffler 645 206 31.9%
Denver and Chicago receivers had the same amount of dropped passes as a percentage of overall attempts (see first table above).
Bears receivers gained more yards after catch (YAC) than Broncos receivers as a percentage of their overall receiving yards.
Matt Forte gained a stunning 92% of his receiving yards after the catch. I don't think anyone gives him enough credit for how surehanded he is, how quickly he brings the ball in and makes his first move, and how good he is at making one excellent cut that will get him five yards alone. His receiving skills could help extend his career once he loses his speed 7-10 years down the road.
G
reg Olsen gained almost half of his yards after the catch. Everyone in the media has been saying that he is going to have a good year next year, but I haven't heard anyone put themselves out there and say he'll make the pro bowl. I am about to make that prediction - Greg Olsen makes the pro bowl.
Conclusions - The Bears top two wide receivers are worse than the Broncos top two wide receivers, but the Bears make up for it with their TEs and backs. Cutler won't throw for 4,500 yards again this year, but he will singlehandedly get the Bears 2-3 wins and will again be recognized as an elite quarterback in the NFL.
I still have a couple of lingering questions about Cutler including but not limited to - Why does he have a chubby face? Why did it take him 20+ years to realize he had type 1 diabetes? If he contracted type 1 diabetes in adulthood, is this worse than having it your whole life?
Ultimately I think the Josh McDaniels made a very stupid mistake - he traded a sure thing for a couple of low percentage chances at a sure thing and an average quarterback. Cutler had good reason to be pissed - no one trades an elite quarterback in their prime - the Broncos shopping Cutler signaled to him that they didn't think he was an elite quarterback. He took exception to this, and while I think he could have handled it better I don't blame him.
I'll end with this - a list of Bears starting Quarterbacks. Its a sorry list, but one that is about to get a whole lot better:
Dressen • Conzelman • Driscoll • Molesworth • Masterson • Luckman • Lujack • Blanda • Brown • Bratkowski • Wade • Bukich • Concannon • Carter • Douglass • Huff • Avellini • Phipps • Evans • Landry • Flutie • Lisch • McMahon • Fuller • Tomczak • Harbaugh • Willis • Walsh • Kramer • Mirer • Moreno • Krieg • Matthews • Mirer • McNown • Miller • Chandler • Burris • Stewart • Hutchinson • Quinn • Krenzel • Grossman • Orton • Griese
-------------------
Shed Masta...
absolutely GREAT stuff...
a couple things i have to just give you props for....
-big nuts are valuable in every sport except cycling...(i would add playing wiffle ball on fucked up terrain to that short list of exception sports)
-chubby face
-olsen prediction (agreed wholeheartedly)
You know...im just glad that there is someone else that I trust, and whos opinion matters to me....that agrees that Cutler is going to be great for this team despite what the 'professionals' are focusing on in the media.
to me, its obvious. But there are a shitload of naysayers out there....so i was starting to feel like i must just have a huge bias for the guy. The fact is...it will have less to do with him, and more to do with our team in general. He will come in and play QB better than anyone we have seen. The bigger question for bear fans SHOULD be...'how well will the REST of our team perform?'
Cutler, and the passing game, is the absolute LEAST of our worries....period.
a.) since when has passing game been important at all in bears football? I think that it should begin to be important, now that we have some opportunity there. But the way i see it...our advancements in the passing game are simply a bonus. The run game has to remain our focus. when that fails? throw the ball. Now, when we throw it, we might move the chains instead of turning it over. thats the difference.
b.) regardless of who our receivers are...and their arguable skill levels....there are targets out there (as Shed mentions - an amazing back, and TEs that other teams would kill for)....and thats what Cutler does.....hit targets.....on the numbers. Anyone who argues accuracy with Cutler is an idiot. He is going to throw the ball wherever there is opportunity. If our entire offense had their hands amputated...THEN (and only then,) would I be worried. Until then...fuck you....Cutler is going make throws....and if he hits people in the hands....chances are, they are going to catch it. i like my odds, whether its marshall and royal, or hester and lloyd....they are targets....thats all. Cutler will get it where it needs to be. What else can you ask of his position? And as you can see from Sheds handy stat charting.....the discrepency between the Denver and Chicago receiving corps is hardly what it is made out to be...
c.) Cutlers high interceptions are (to me) explained by poor defense and the need to take unusual offensive risks in order to stay in games. Does anyone expect the Bear Defense to resemble Denvers last year? haha...maybe thats not a good question to ask. But my hope was that the answer would be 'no, they wont be that bad'. so then, whats the problem? fuck off. True, Cutler is not known as a game manager....but when has he been put in a cushy enough position where thats all he was EXPECTED to be? How hard is it to start thinking more conservatively? This will not be a difficult transition for him. He will be just as good of a game manager as Orton, with the added bonus of being used to the pressure of making big plays when he really has to. the kids a gunslinger...but hes not a retard. c'mon now. he can hone it in and control his risks (I sincerely hope...HE IS a GUNSLINGER). especially under our sometimes frustratingly conservative coaching. Cutler will have plenty of chances to be the hero....he will have no incentive to make risky judgement calls when its not called for.
d.) Cutler changes our whole system. No longer can opponents assume anything about how they will be attacked by the bears. For this reason, I will preemptively credit Cutler for much more than Ed's predicted 2-3 wins. I think his mere presence on the team changes everything....and he and forte combined will pretty much summarize the key players in our win category the whole season....with a word up to our future pro-bowler Olsen, of course....
Thanks to SHED, for taking what I try to say, and making it readable...and backing it up with real stuff that makes sense. I'm not hard to convince in this regard.....but anyone who isnt convinced after reading this Shed-mail above, is severely pesimistic. I have nothing but hope for this season....and if I thought I might be disappointed, I would keep my feelings of hope about the season, a little bit more on the quiet side.....
To be clear.....I have high hopes for this season, and more...strong BELIEFS about a potential uncanny streak of success with the 'next gen bears' as i will call them.......and doubt i will be disappointed....
I'll take my chances that I may have to eat it big time....i sincerely believe we are about to be amazed.
if there is a Cutler bandwagon.....im driving it.
DLP
Thursday, November 19, 2009
2008 Offseason - Bears Draft...
so, sometimes bahkus and I have separate conversations outside the realm of this forum (so as to spare the majority of you that dont care what I have to say. -- not to say that bahkus cares what i have to say....but he is at least a bit more tolerant of me and my bears obsession -- if not fighting off one of his own)
In any event...there is often some Bahkus knowledge that he imparts, that I feel everyone should see. I usually keep it to myself, but I feel on this occasion, he says it so well, that it is a must-read... on the topic of the bears draft.
So, here is Bahkus's take:
"Not sure yet. Really to me, the most important picks are the first two: Jarron Gilbert and Juaquin Iglesias. Jarron is raw talent, and is supposed to be an athletic freak of nature with like a seven foot wing-span. His body type reminds me of Israel Idonije, and he’s supposed to be really fast. They probably want him to be a defensive tackle as opposed to a defensive end. If Marinelli can coach him up, he could add a lot of depth and athleticism to the middle of the line.
Juaquin Iglesias – I’ve read a lot of mixed stories about this guy. There were some teams that supposedly had him as a second rounder. Other “experts” say that he won’t be any more than a number three slot receiver. But he’s supposed to be a possession guy, which is exactly what they want to complement Hester. I think he sees the field this year, since really our receiver corp is now made up of Hester, Earl Bennett, Rashied Davis, and bench/practice squad players. I foresee it being Hester on one side, Bennett on the other, with Iglesias in the slot. That is, if Bennett can play like a starter… we shall see.
I think D.J. Moore will be good. I know the reason he dropped so far was due to his height, but I’ve read that he projects to be a similar player to Nathan Vasher. That’s a good thing to project to, despite the fact that Vasher has sucked the last couple of years. Remember a time when we used to think that nobody threw to Vasher’s cover for a reason? Iglesias has a vertical jump of like 39 inches or something. That’s ridiculous. He plays bigger than he is.
I don’t know much about the other guys. Henry Melton, or whatever his name is, is a DE, which will add depth to our line again. But we don’t know what he’ll be. Again, I think this is a pick blatantly aimed at Rod Marinelli. We’re saying that if he is one of the best defensive line coaches in the league, if not the best, that he will be able to coach these guys up… take their raw talent and athleticism, and make them polished.
Johnny Knox, the fifth/sixth round receiver, is supposed to be tremendously fast, with “vacuum hands”. But he’s extremely raw, and I don’t trust our receivers coach. He won’t play this year. But man, he’s supposed to be fast.
Overall, considering that we got Cutler, I like what they did. We added depth to the defensive line and the receiver corp. At least this way you get some good competition at two areas that need it.
Now we just need to figure out the safety position. The guy they drafted projects as a strong safety. Honestly? If they don’t find someone else, I see us going out and bring Mike Brown back in, at least for locker room purposes. He’s still sitting out there waiting for a call. It can’t hurt if you’ve got no other options. I just don’t feel comfortable saying that Craig Steltz is our starting free safety."
I couldnt have said it better, and agree wholeheartedly with much of what you are saying here M-box. Now, we have all seen Jarrods pool quake footage thanks to MElons recent e-mail. Obviously that was a steal for the 3rd round...perhaps the steal of the draft...but what of the rest of these guys?
There seems to be a lot of discrepency over Iglesias. I think he was a good pick for the 3rd round....but that he will not likely be the answer we were necessarily looking for (But Bears fans were overzealous at the idea of resolving ALL of our problems this year with ideal resolutions -- sorry...shit doesnt work like that).
I'm not sure the answer to our WR issues could have been better taken care of with 3rd round picks or worse tho....so I'm actually satisfied with the pick despite some of the mixed stories.
I think it is Knox that will be the most interesting to see develop. That guy is fast as hell, and I think he will play just for that sole reason. With an arm like Cutlers, and lack of skill at receiver...this guy can come in and make a difference.
Back to Iglesias...as bahkus suggests, he will fill a role...and I think he will fill it nicely. Is he the next Jerry Rice? no. I dont know what people expected the bears to get? We were never going to get an unquestionably great, gone in the first round receiver, given the picks we were working with. Ridiculous to think otherwise.
Hes a good receiver pickup for the 2nd pick in the third round...bottom line. I agree with bahkus - he probably sees the field this year....i think they both will (knox too)....and more....that at least one of them will make a bigger impact than the naysayers are currently suggesting. Once again...always the Bears optimist...
What do the rest of you think?
DLP (featuring mmmbahkus)
In any event...there is often some Bahkus knowledge that he imparts, that I feel everyone should see. I usually keep it to myself, but I feel on this occasion, he says it so well, that it is a must-read... on the topic of the bears draft.
So, here is Bahkus's take:
"Not sure yet. Really to me, the most important picks are the first two: Jarron Gilbert and Juaquin Iglesias. Jarron is raw talent, and is supposed to be an athletic freak of nature with like a seven foot wing-span. His body type reminds me of Israel Idonije, and he’s supposed to be really fast. They probably want him to be a defensive tackle as opposed to a defensive end. If Marinelli can coach him up, he could add a lot of depth and athleticism to the middle of the line.
Juaquin Iglesias – I’ve read a lot of mixed stories about this guy. There were some teams that supposedly had him as a second rounder. Other “experts” say that he won’t be any more than a number three slot receiver. But he’s supposed to be a possession guy, which is exactly what they want to complement Hester. I think he sees the field this year, since really our receiver corp is now made up of Hester, Earl Bennett, Rashied Davis, and bench/practice squad players. I foresee it being Hester on one side, Bennett on the other, with Iglesias in the slot. That is, if Bennett can play like a starter… we shall see.
I think D.J. Moore will be good. I know the reason he dropped so far was due to his height, but I’ve read that he projects to be a similar player to Nathan Vasher. That’s a good thing to project to, despite the fact that Vasher has sucked the last couple of years. Remember a time when we used to think that nobody threw to Vasher’s cover for a reason? Iglesias has a vertical jump of like 39 inches or something. That’s ridiculous. He plays bigger than he is.
I don’t know much about the other guys. Henry Melton, or whatever his name is, is a DE, which will add depth to our line again. But we don’t know what he’ll be. Again, I think this is a pick blatantly aimed at Rod Marinelli. We’re saying that if he is one of the best defensive line coaches in the league, if not the best, that he will be able to coach these guys up… take their raw talent and athleticism, and make them polished.
Johnny Knox, the fifth/sixth round receiver, is supposed to be tremendously fast, with “vacuum hands”. But he’s extremely raw, and I don’t trust our receivers coach. He won’t play this year. But man, he’s supposed to be fast.
Overall, considering that we got Cutler, I like what they did. We added depth to the defensive line and the receiver corp. At least this way you get some good competition at two areas that need it.
Now we just need to figure out the safety position. The guy they drafted projects as a strong safety. Honestly? If they don’t find someone else, I see us going out and bring Mike Brown back in, at least for locker room purposes. He’s still sitting out there waiting for a call. It can’t hurt if you’ve got no other options. I just don’t feel comfortable saying that Craig Steltz is our starting free safety."
I couldnt have said it better, and agree wholeheartedly with much of what you are saying here M-box. Now, we have all seen Jarrods pool quake footage thanks to MElons recent e-mail. Obviously that was a steal for the 3rd round...perhaps the steal of the draft...but what of the rest of these guys?
There seems to be a lot of discrepency over Iglesias. I think he was a good pick for the 3rd round....but that he will not likely be the answer we were necessarily looking for (But Bears fans were overzealous at the idea of resolving ALL of our problems this year with ideal resolutions -- sorry...shit doesnt work like that).
I'm not sure the answer to our WR issues could have been better taken care of with 3rd round picks or worse tho....so I'm actually satisfied with the pick despite some of the mixed stories.
I think it is Knox that will be the most interesting to see develop. That guy is fast as hell, and I think he will play just for that sole reason. With an arm like Cutlers, and lack of skill at receiver...this guy can come in and make a difference.
Back to Iglesias...as bahkus suggests, he will fill a role...and I think he will fill it nicely. Is he the next Jerry Rice? no. I dont know what people expected the bears to get? We were never going to get an unquestionably great, gone in the first round receiver, given the picks we were working with. Ridiculous to think otherwise.
Hes a good receiver pickup for the 2nd pick in the third round...bottom line. I agree with bahkus - he probably sees the field this year....i think they both will (knox too)....and more....that at least one of them will make a bigger impact than the naysayers are currently suggesting. Once again...always the Bears optimist...
What do the rest of you think?
DLP (featuring mmmbahkus)
2008 Offseason - Steeler fans are dumb...
So, sometimes when im bored...i read fan blogs, so i can finally understand why sometimes terrorism makes sense.
today, im really bored....with nothing left to do before i leave for vegas tomorrow..... so i apologize if this is not as entertaining for you folks... but i will be violating your inboxes with stupidity...as usual.
-----------------------------
steelermofoe:
"Can Detroit find any takers for the number 1 pick?How about to Atlanta for Michael Vick, a second round and two decent players?"
psycho ninja 69:"i must have read that post wrong steeler...
vick for the number 1 pick, and a second round pick and 2 players???
your joking right..."
steelermofoe:
"Yes. none wants the number 1 pick. the guaranteed money is too much. Atlanta will take it just to save face."
---------------------------------
HAAhahaha
heres another steeler fan gem......hahaha...god they are stupid...
---------------------------------
steeler6789:
"crabs is too short and slow to go #1, Detroit will not pick another reciever at that spot it will be Sanchez to appeal to the hispanic fan base. Crabs will go to Oakland to give garcia someone to throw to whil jammMarcus continues to develop in time to opt out and go to a better team so he doesn't waste his career in Oakland. the Saints will be in LA in 2012 and JaMarcus want to get into Hollywood so that would be a good fit."
--------------------------------------
...hispanic fan base.....hilarious. Where does that come into play with regard to what to do with a #1....lordy
DLP
today, im really bored....with nothing left to do before i leave for vegas tomorrow..... so i apologize if this is not as entertaining for you folks... but i will be violating your inboxes with stupidity...as usual.
-----------------------------
steelermofoe:
"Can Detroit find any takers for the number 1 pick?How about to Atlanta for Michael Vick, a second round and two decent players?"
psycho ninja 69:"i must have read that post wrong steeler...
vick for the number 1 pick, and a second round pick and 2 players???
your joking right..."
steelermofoe:
"Yes. none wants the number 1 pick. the guaranteed money is too much. Atlanta will take it just to save face."
---------------------------------
HAAhahaha
heres another steeler fan gem......hahaha...god they are stupid...
---------------------------------
steeler6789:
"crabs is too short and slow to go #1, Detroit will not pick another reciever at that spot it will be Sanchez to appeal to the hispanic fan base. Crabs will go to Oakland to give garcia someone to throw to whil jammMarcus continues to develop in time to opt out and go to a better team so he doesn't waste his career in Oakland. the Saints will be in LA in 2012 and JaMarcus want to get into Hollywood so that would be a good fit."
--------------------------------------
...hispanic fan base.....hilarious. Where does that come into play with regard to what to do with a #1....lordy
DLP
2008 Offseason - A Jay Bear? Cutler is signed...
"According to Wikipedia, Jay Cutler was also born in Santa Claus, Indiana."
yeah...apparently this fact is also the media's hot topic....they will not shut up about it....(and Dave, this has nothing to do with you...I've just heard this fact non stop since Thursday, like its the only important thing about the Cutler trade...otherwise it IS interesting info... and appreciated in this forum)
news radio this morning: "it used to be called santa claus land....now its holiday land....isnt that interesting?"
no its not...tell me about how cutler's arm will rape the NFC....
or about the fact that the bears franchise will never be the same...
Santa Claus IN...interesting...but as a football fan...who cares.....
the bears finally have a qb....THIS is newsworthy all on its own...
and as for the articles i have seen that minimize this pickup, saying that Chicago doesnt realize what we are in for, since cutler is a baby and will hardly be able to handle the fickle bear fan way...
I'm sorry, but it is foolish to write such things....
You dont play in Elway's shadow for however many years with yet unacheived sky high expectations, and NOT have balls. He had (still does) Denver fans like putty in his hands....they loved him....EVEN THO there were unfulfilled expectations.
The nonsense about him being dramatic and overly sensitive comes from people that need to have a counterpoint. Sorry...theres no counterpoint...this was a GREAT trade...straight up. The dudes got brass....and the only thing I see preventing him from becoming successful in our scheme, is injury....not high maintenance like some would have you believe...
He's got high expectations here in Chicago, true....like he DIDNT in Denver? Give me a break...
He didnt have the surrounding cast in Denver...anyone that says that it was CUTLER to blame for the Bronco playoffless past couple of years is an idiot.
I think in chicago, he will have a much better surrounding cast (one would think...but this IS the Bears afterall)....and like Jon said....we will very likely (and HOPEFULLY) coast into the playoffs this year...
I am extremely excited about this...and I dont care who knows it...I'll hype him until I see him play shitty. Ive watched him play since he started over Plummer....hes money....and hes EXACTLY what we need. My dreams couldnt have been reflected into reality more perfectly....
Thanks to the Bears organization for finally growing a pair, and making moves....the RIGHT moves....im encouraged. I did like Orton though...and will root for him in Denver. He will likely be better off without the Chicago curse.
Naysayers beware...I will hunt you down and kill you with a fine tooth comb in your penis hole.
I'm drinking the Cutler kool-aid...so "sports analysts," who so willingly pretend like they know what they are talking about...like they know someone personally...and believe them to be too sensitive...shut the fuck up....your idiots...and you obviously havent been watching him play for the past couple of years....
call him anything else....impulsive....tempermental....aggressive...a risktaker...unafraid of consequences...
but, overly sensitive....im not buying....
all the other possible descriptions, are exactly what we need in chicago...
I'll kill you...
DLP
-----------------------
Bouch says, "bring back rex!"
yes...that too...
with the new size of our O-line...if I had concerns that he couldnt see where the hell he was throwing before...(and i did)....i think now we'd find him having even MORE difficulty...
but would i mind having rex as a backup to cutler? nah...not really.
a.) hopefully he wouldnt be needed, cause if he is...we are all but fucked kindly...
b.) he was always used innappropriately. Hes very accurate...and probably a good qb...IF you use him like you should....given some of his shortcomings.... he cant be used the same way a Cutler (and most normal sized qbs) would be best used....that was always the problem... coaches were trying to make him into a different type of qb that didnt fit his skill set/physical characteristics... instead of using the skills that he DOES have in a way that they most effectively benefit the team...
So sure....bring Rex back........
...just change your in-game strategy if hes forced to go in.... hes NOT cutler....and hes not orton either. he MAY be the shortest QB in the NFL right now tho...does that escape coaches? somehow...it seemed to. (by the way...IS rex the shortest QB currently? is Flutie still on a bench somewhere? )
i digress, anywho.......hes sexy rexy...you have to account for that in your strategy...
fine tooth comb bouch.....fine tooth comb....
...think about that before you "poop" up my inbox...
(he sent me an e-mail that simply said "poop" ......nothing else....unaggravated...)
watch your peehole biotch...
----------------------------
Wow, am i crazy pissed and formidable right now....maybe its just cause its a monday or whatever...but im about to shit on someones windsheild.
Before I became enraged...I was peacefully corresponding with a friend of mine and was going to supply my friendly Bear fans with an outside perspective...peacefully...so here is my attempt to not rustle any feathers...I cant promise how long it will be before I start taking my frustration out on the poor people receiving my e-mails today...i must make clear, that i may make some rude comments out of anger...but my anger is not with any of you...you are all helpless victims...i will try to control myself...
This is an e-mail from one of my work contacts that lives in Denver....
for a bit of background...I obviously gave him some grief about stealing his star qb on Thursday...specifically I was questioning if he (Cutler)was in fact a baby, despite my feelings otherwise...
heres my buddy's response:
"Well, here’s what I think about the self imposed highway robbery that was “The Cutler Trade.”
1) Offensive stars tend to shut the f up when they are in a town where everyone comes to the games to watch their defense. Chi-town kind of reminds me of Baton Rouge with LSU…Linebackers are the star players, not pansy ass snap-counters.
2.) Winning gives everyone a good attitude. Cutler was something like 17-20 as a starter…and he was friggin 13-1 when defense allowed 21 points or fewer. He’s gonna be a happy little diabetic knowing that his touchdowns aren’t a waste of time.
3) Cutler has honking balls man. Most QB’s come to Denver and shy away from the Elway comparisons. He was a nice guy about it for a while, and then finally said, “Fuck it, I have a better arm than Elway. I railed on his wife.”
4) He was 13-1 in games where the defense showed up…and he did that without a running back. You guys have the RB, a good tight end, a defense, and a special teams player that’s going to the hall of fame. It should be a very good year my man.
5) Now the Saints have to play against Cutler. This one pisses me off, because that secondary can’t handle a gun like Cutler picking them apart (as was proven last year when the score was something like 305-307 here in Denver).
6) Denver will have a 5-11 season, fans will revolt, and the football gods will smite them for three years to come for running every decent element of last years team out of town.
Enjoy your stupid Lombardy trophy. Fuck face."
The Saints comment (#5) is because hes originally out of New Orleans, so his fanhood goes Saints THEN Denver....also a HUGE LSU fan...
I know...so much to make fun of....it hurts me sometimes...
Although we BOTH like the Saints, and I think he is being humble when he suggests that the Saints may struggle this year. We have both agreed that we think this is their year. And I have told him not to worry about his Broncos either. I think Orton does well there. I know I will be rooting for him...I've always kind of liked Denver.
now i dont claim to be a football expert, by any means...but i DO CARE about football...i try to learn about it when i can, and understand things at a more complex level than "Oh, what fun it is to watch all these monkeys run around chasing a ball"
and i know that there are other people out there like me...we arent coaches...we arent talent scouts....we are just REAL football fans...and we happen not to be dumb as well....always good. its arguable whether or not im dumb...but you get the point.
So...as you can see...an unbiased football-EDUCATED person (as opposed to a "sports analyst" looking for material to fill a page), KNOWS that Chicago made a great trade...and that it is unlikely that Cutlers supposed sensitivity will be an issue.
Now I personally wasnt worried about this anyway...but it just really REALLY gets under my skin when Chicago based sports critics actually publish shit like the shit ive seen.
Wheres the accountability? wheres the integrity? This is why Bears fans (in general)....the ones that call for Hanie and boo Orton out of the half, when Orton has a few incompletes....THIS is why those Bear fans exist.....our writers are feeding them their stupidity....they are breeding Chicago sports retardism...
cause heres what happens...
fans think that they know what they are talking about, BECAUSE they take the time to read this blasphemy....then they go around town thinking that because they read this collection of articles from the "experts", they too are now an expert (yes, im guilty of this)....and can go around making idiotic statements...spreading the stupidity....then HIS friend thinks because his buddy reads all the articles...he MUST know what hes talking about....so then he repeats what HE says like hes some sort of football genius...and so on and so forth...
let me tell you something...NO ONE is impressed that you can boo when everyone else does...
And anyone with a brain can read some of the shit that chicago writers come out with and realize that it is filler...drama...sports soap opera...crap...meaningless ungrounded opinions of some shmuck that has no business writing about knitting....let alone sports....or more specifically football.
(cause some sports can be commented on by retards - ie. baseball)...haha - eat that shit baseball fans -- half of you really only like it for fantasy anyway...suck my balls...baseball is NOT that awesome...deal with it...
that will get some responses...
moving on...my point is...
Chicago (Bear) fans are not fickle....chicago just has a bunch of people that arent really fans period...and they are outspoken...cause theyre all "smart" as hell...("smart" like sox fans...a bunch of dumb assholes pretending to care about a sport when really its just a cover for their alcoholism)
-- im kidding - not all sox fans are like that....but anyone who knows a couple of true south side guys knows what im talking about....theyre dumb...c'mon... really dumb... i dont know shit about baseball, and even I can understand that.
baseball is SOMETIMES exciting...and thats being kind. the sport HARDLY requires athleticism (although I HAVE seen some crazy catches -- i said "hardly")
The one thing I will give it is that it is a strategic game and its fun to GO to games. I personally, couldnt tell myself i like baseball based on those reasons alone. sorry if i hold others to those same standards. Yet, to my original point, you cant deny that the dumbest of the dumb are attracted to the sport...likely because they couldnt possibly understand anything less simple...
You like baseball because: 1.) your dumb... 2.) you play fantasy... 3.) you were raised traditionally - playing baseball as you grew up...or 4.) you like watching old fags stand around waiting for balls to drop in their vicinity (i call them predators)... WAYYYYYYYYYYOOOOO....hahaha....im a dick. but its true.
baseball fans everywhere!! ask yourself honestly....Why do you REALLY like baseball? I think you will find that I'm right. Or that I am an idiot when it comes to baseball, and thus my opinion on the matter is without merit.... you will come to one of those two conclusions...
hopefully, if you find i am in fact right, you fall into the one of the two baseball fan acceptable categories (you play fantasy, or were raised to like it). If you find that i am without merit...whether you admit it or not, you probably fall into one of my other two categories (your incredibly dumb, or your a flaming homo)...either way...im right...so fuck you.
mayhap more responses?...
again, moving forward...im in a bad mood...pay no attention to my baseball bashing.
When I hear things like "Oh yay! I'm such a bear fan! We got a new QB! Who's Cutler??"
god damnit....that pisses me off...
what the hell are you so happy about? admit that you dont watch football asshole...and then cry.
dont be a happy fan when everyone else is happy...and more importantly, dont be an angry fan when everyone else is angry. It makes me sick...
I'm sorry....im on a tirade here...but there have been a compilation of things that i've read and experienced today...that have just gotten my goat....
now you get to read my rant...as usual...
fuck all of you... fuck you, fuck you, youre cool, fuck you....youre cool.
seriously tho...
fuck you.
go ahead...i dare you.........send a dissenting e-mail...send me a "hi DLP"....tell me how awesome baseball is....poop my inbox...
I will fuck your child at a carnival....
DLP
--------------------
i dont dislike baseball....
i just beleive it blasphemous to call myself a baseball fan...even though I DO find enjoyment in certain aspects of the game
true baseball fans should laugh were i to say Im a sox fan, or a cub fan...
its a fine sport...and to each his own...if you like it....good...but your dumb...
im kidding...
seriously...good, everyone likes different things...its not a bad sport...
i guess my point was that others should follow my example except with football....stop pretending like you know something...it doesnt make you a fan...it makes you an asshole. its ok if you like going to football games....you dont have to know everything....but PLEASE FOR GOD SAKES, dont pretend like you do...
I swear...with some football fans I could say "Cutler just died in a terrible car crash and lost his arms" in a happy excited voice, and they would be like "OH YAYA biotch! We Win!! who made the most baskets?"
why.... just why? tell me...
and sports writers.....fuck....i already started...and will spare you more...
-----------------
noice Kuch
yeah...im not saying that there shouldnt be semi-fans....people that like a team for whatever the reason...kind of enjoying a game here and there...and/or being glad to hear that a certain team won...and so on and so forth...
I think I fall into that category for almost everything except bears...
on my tirade...i was all over the place and i think i could have been misinterpreted...let me explain...with a little story...that i can now tell...because my anger has subsided...and i wont automatically start anger-pissing on things everytime i think about it.
what i have a problem with actually has nothing to do with being a fan or not...i think its more a certain type of personality that bothers me....and specifically...the way that personality interacts with the world of sports...
...at least in this circumstance...my hatred was made quite clear...i dont like when people are confidently dumb...
basically I was at a restaurant/bar on the south side...sitting there minding my own B...reading a sports magazine of some sort with a Jay Cutler pic apparently noticable on one of the pages...
a dude walks by and comments on the cutler situation...kind of a negative comment...something about how he is high maintenance...
so i look up from the paper and ask the man, "are you a bears fan?"
he says "yeah...definitely" pointing to his bears shirt...
i say, "really? what makes you say that about cutler? because of the way he demanded a trade?..."
he says "oh, i read about it...read an article."
i say "so, you think the cutler trade was a bad one because an article told you he was high maintenance...? "
he says, "well i just dont think he will be able to handle our fans"
i say, "you mean "fans"... like you?"
he says, "yeah, weve been waiting for a qb...he better not be a pansy..."
i let my eyes close and stay shut for a moment... and sigh...
I say..."let me tell you about what kind of pansy we just traded for..." and i start to list off his stats last year...kind of prickishly at this point...
he says "yeah...but they never won with him..." matching my pricky tone...like arguing with a child
at this point im at a loss for words...and im just looking up...staring at the guy...
im thinking to myself...this guy HAS to be TRYING to piss me off...
I patiently explain, "true, but that was because of the defense...Cutlers actually one of the few good things that Denver had...hes going to be great for us...most people are really excited about this...most bear fans..."
He interupts, "yeah, because they dont realize that hes a pussy...it will be interesting to see the fallout...another qb disaster... im just glad for baseball..."
i look down and smile "yeah...youre more of a baseball fan arent you? (rhetorically)........ let me guess......Sox?"
he says "hell yea man...i cant wait"
i say..." yeaaah...exciting...see im not much of a baseball fan...i dont think i could name the damn catcher if my life depended on it....who is it again??"
a smile comes to my face as i validate that i am speaking with a complete moron......i see that he doesnt know who the catcher is...
he says, "oh man...im blanking....i couldnt even tell you..."
i say playfully, "fuck!...make up a name...i wouldnt know the difference. ahh well...guess i should read some of those articles you were talking about...hahah"
he seems insulted now... "haha....weellll...i dont need articles, im goin to opening (opening day)"
the attempted bragging has me annoyed now, "yea...a couple guys from my work are taking the whole day off."
he says "fuck yea man...time to get drunk."
i say " who are they playin...you know?"
he answers, "nope...just goin to get wasted..."
i sigh..."ahhh..sox fans..."
and then with relief and a near anurism...go back to my business...
he sits down at the bar and i overhear him continuing to talk nonsense with a friend...including making comments about the non sox fan over there...referring to me....and it got worse and worse...and they believed so intensly in what they were saying...yet it was pure shit...making no sense at all...even when it was about baseball...
....and it worsened......until i had to step in once more and correct them on the topic of Cutlers receiver options....which due to my frustration did not come off pleasant...and it was obvious that I could no longer share the same space with these two gelatanous retards...
so i left...before i was forced to put a beer mug upside down over his nutsack and stomp...nay....BALANCE upon it....until i had the circular cookie cutter shape i was looking for....then proceed to peel it off the floor...and slap him across the face with it....his own hairy sack pattie....stinging his face red...with only the sound a nut sack slap could make...
alas...i left instead...
soooo...after that, i couldnt let it go. i went shopping around for articles that could have been the cause for this guy being so stupid. I was hoping I would find that it was simply poor genetics (and i think it was). but unfortunately, I ALSO found too many of exactly what I feared...terrible opinion based articles presented as factual analysis.... subsequently i became pissy....resulting in my various e-mails...
so i apologize...
my problem is with inbred people...and career sports writers that should be selling hotdogs at sports events...not writing about them...
i will take a hint from kuch and never speak of this again...
DLP
-----------------------------
dont worry...as you have seen over the past several years...my rage filled e-mails will come and go...
just when everyone feels relief that there is finally a welcomed e-silence....a few days of peace....a few weeks perhaps?.....suddenly.....I come back.... and fuck your inboxes with e-mails of hate and anger.... the length of which only my cock can top...
in any event Kuch...your supposed "limited grasp on reality" while writing this e-mail is the type of grasp i attempt to acheive daily...i read this and decided that I am dumb...which is ironic...because I have just spent several e-mails complaining about dumb people. The paragraph is like an intellectual word puzzle....I KNOW it makes sense...but its complexity is still far beyond my understanding.....Like old people having anal sex....
....................
anywho...
the liklihood of my anger spewing forth in e-mail form is unlikely to repeat itself until more football news....and even then, I dont forsee much that i could possibly be upset about this year...i think it will be quiet.....perhaps joyfilled e-mails will become the reg...but i doubt it....i dont do well filling imaginations with thoughts of butterflies and rainbows....doesnt have the impact...
(Kuch - dont think I dont notice your subtle satire...but it truly is ridiculously subtle...reading your e-mails is like being assigned to find the symbolism "everyone poops")
and must you sign off on your emails as DWK? eerily similar to my trendy initialed sign off....
'DLP'
wouldnt you say?
DLP
yeah...apparently this fact is also the media's hot topic....they will not shut up about it....(and Dave, this has nothing to do with you...I've just heard this fact non stop since Thursday, like its the only important thing about the Cutler trade...otherwise it IS interesting info... and appreciated in this forum)
news radio this morning: "it used to be called santa claus land....now its holiday land....isnt that interesting?"
no its not...tell me about how cutler's arm will rape the NFC....
or about the fact that the bears franchise will never be the same...
Santa Claus IN...interesting...but as a football fan...who cares.....
the bears finally have a qb....THIS is newsworthy all on its own...
and as for the articles i have seen that minimize this pickup, saying that Chicago doesnt realize what we are in for, since cutler is a baby and will hardly be able to handle the fickle bear fan way...
I'm sorry, but it is foolish to write such things....
You dont play in Elway's shadow for however many years with yet unacheived sky high expectations, and NOT have balls. He had (still does) Denver fans like putty in his hands....they loved him....EVEN THO there were unfulfilled expectations.
The nonsense about him being dramatic and overly sensitive comes from people that need to have a counterpoint. Sorry...theres no counterpoint...this was a GREAT trade...straight up. The dudes got brass....and the only thing I see preventing him from becoming successful in our scheme, is injury....not high maintenance like some would have you believe...
He's got high expectations here in Chicago, true....like he DIDNT in Denver? Give me a break...
He didnt have the surrounding cast in Denver...anyone that says that it was CUTLER to blame for the Bronco playoffless past couple of years is an idiot.
I think in chicago, he will have a much better surrounding cast (one would think...but this IS the Bears afterall)....and like Jon said....we will very likely (and HOPEFULLY) coast into the playoffs this year...
I am extremely excited about this...and I dont care who knows it...I'll hype him until I see him play shitty. Ive watched him play since he started over Plummer....hes money....and hes EXACTLY what we need. My dreams couldnt have been reflected into reality more perfectly....
Thanks to the Bears organization for finally growing a pair, and making moves....the RIGHT moves....im encouraged. I did like Orton though...and will root for him in Denver. He will likely be better off without the Chicago curse.
Naysayers beware...I will hunt you down and kill you with a fine tooth comb in your penis hole.
I'm drinking the Cutler kool-aid...so "sports analysts," who so willingly pretend like they know what they are talking about...like they know someone personally...and believe them to be too sensitive...shut the fuck up....your idiots...and you obviously havent been watching him play for the past couple of years....
call him anything else....impulsive....tempermental....aggressive...a risktaker...unafraid of consequences...
but, overly sensitive....im not buying....
all the other possible descriptions, are exactly what we need in chicago...
I'll kill you...
DLP
-----------------------
Bouch says, "bring back rex!"
yes...that too...
with the new size of our O-line...if I had concerns that he couldnt see where the hell he was throwing before...(and i did)....i think now we'd find him having even MORE difficulty...
but would i mind having rex as a backup to cutler? nah...not really.
a.) hopefully he wouldnt be needed, cause if he is...we are all but fucked kindly...
b.) he was always used innappropriately. Hes very accurate...and probably a good qb...IF you use him like you should....given some of his shortcomings.... he cant be used the same way a Cutler (and most normal sized qbs) would be best used....that was always the problem... coaches were trying to make him into a different type of qb that didnt fit his skill set/physical characteristics... instead of using the skills that he DOES have in a way that they most effectively benefit the team...
So sure....bring Rex back........
...just change your in-game strategy if hes forced to go in.... hes NOT cutler....and hes not orton either. he MAY be the shortest QB in the NFL right now tho...does that escape coaches? somehow...it seemed to. (by the way...IS rex the shortest QB currently? is Flutie still on a bench somewhere? )
i digress, anywho.......hes sexy rexy...you have to account for that in your strategy...
fine tooth comb bouch.....fine tooth comb....
...think about that before you "poop" up my inbox...
(he sent me an e-mail that simply said "poop" ......nothing else....unaggravated...)
watch your peehole biotch...
----------------------------
Wow, am i crazy pissed and formidable right now....maybe its just cause its a monday or whatever...but im about to shit on someones windsheild.
Before I became enraged...I was peacefully corresponding with a friend of mine and was going to supply my friendly Bear fans with an outside perspective...peacefully...so here is my attempt to not rustle any feathers...I cant promise how long it will be before I start taking my frustration out on the poor people receiving my e-mails today...i must make clear, that i may make some rude comments out of anger...but my anger is not with any of you...you are all helpless victims...i will try to control myself...
This is an e-mail from one of my work contacts that lives in Denver....
for a bit of background...I obviously gave him some grief about stealing his star qb on Thursday...specifically I was questioning if he (Cutler)was in fact a baby, despite my feelings otherwise...
heres my buddy's response:
"Well, here’s what I think about the self imposed highway robbery that was “The Cutler Trade.”
1) Offensive stars tend to shut the f up when they are in a town where everyone comes to the games to watch their defense. Chi-town kind of reminds me of Baton Rouge with LSU…Linebackers are the star players, not pansy ass snap-counters.
2.) Winning gives everyone a good attitude. Cutler was something like 17-20 as a starter…and he was friggin 13-1 when defense allowed 21 points or fewer. He’s gonna be a happy little diabetic knowing that his touchdowns aren’t a waste of time.
3) Cutler has honking balls man. Most QB’s come to Denver and shy away from the Elway comparisons. He was a nice guy about it for a while, and then finally said, “Fuck it, I have a better arm than Elway. I railed on his wife.”
4) He was 13-1 in games where the defense showed up…and he did that without a running back. You guys have the RB, a good tight end, a defense, and a special teams player that’s going to the hall of fame. It should be a very good year my man.
5) Now the Saints have to play against Cutler. This one pisses me off, because that secondary can’t handle a gun like Cutler picking them apart (as was proven last year when the score was something like 305-307 here in Denver).
6) Denver will have a 5-11 season, fans will revolt, and the football gods will smite them for three years to come for running every decent element of last years team out of town.
Enjoy your stupid Lombardy trophy. Fuck face."
The Saints comment (#5) is because hes originally out of New Orleans, so his fanhood goes Saints THEN Denver....also a HUGE LSU fan...
I know...so much to make fun of....it hurts me sometimes...
Although we BOTH like the Saints, and I think he is being humble when he suggests that the Saints may struggle this year. We have both agreed that we think this is their year. And I have told him not to worry about his Broncos either. I think Orton does well there. I know I will be rooting for him...I've always kind of liked Denver.
now i dont claim to be a football expert, by any means...but i DO CARE about football...i try to learn about it when i can, and understand things at a more complex level than "Oh, what fun it is to watch all these monkeys run around chasing a ball"
and i know that there are other people out there like me...we arent coaches...we arent talent scouts....we are just REAL football fans...and we happen not to be dumb as well....always good. its arguable whether or not im dumb...but you get the point.
So...as you can see...an unbiased football-EDUCATED person (as opposed to a "sports analyst" looking for material to fill a page), KNOWS that Chicago made a great trade...and that it is unlikely that Cutlers supposed sensitivity will be an issue.
Now I personally wasnt worried about this anyway...but it just really REALLY gets under my skin when Chicago based sports critics actually publish shit like the shit ive seen.
Wheres the accountability? wheres the integrity? This is why Bears fans (in general)....the ones that call for Hanie and boo Orton out of the half, when Orton has a few incompletes....THIS is why those Bear fans exist.....our writers are feeding them their stupidity....they are breeding Chicago sports retardism...
cause heres what happens...
fans think that they know what they are talking about, BECAUSE they take the time to read this blasphemy....then they go around town thinking that because they read this collection of articles from the "experts", they too are now an expert (yes, im guilty of this)....and can go around making idiotic statements...spreading the stupidity....then HIS friend thinks because his buddy reads all the articles...he MUST know what hes talking about....so then he repeats what HE says like hes some sort of football genius...and so on and so forth...
let me tell you something...NO ONE is impressed that you can boo when everyone else does...
And anyone with a brain can read some of the shit that chicago writers come out with and realize that it is filler...drama...sports soap opera...crap...meaningless ungrounded opinions of some shmuck that has no business writing about knitting....let alone sports....or more specifically football.
(cause some sports can be commented on by retards - ie. baseball)...haha - eat that shit baseball fans -- half of you really only like it for fantasy anyway...suck my balls...baseball is NOT that awesome...deal with it...
that will get some responses...
moving on...my point is...
Chicago (Bear) fans are not fickle....chicago just has a bunch of people that arent really fans period...and they are outspoken...cause theyre all "smart" as hell...("smart" like sox fans...a bunch of dumb assholes pretending to care about a sport when really its just a cover for their alcoholism)
-- im kidding - not all sox fans are like that....but anyone who knows a couple of true south side guys knows what im talking about....theyre dumb...c'mon... really dumb... i dont know shit about baseball, and even I can understand that.
baseball is SOMETIMES exciting...and thats being kind. the sport HARDLY requires athleticism (although I HAVE seen some crazy catches -- i said "hardly")
The one thing I will give it is that it is a strategic game and its fun to GO to games. I personally, couldnt tell myself i like baseball based on those reasons alone. sorry if i hold others to those same standards. Yet, to my original point, you cant deny that the dumbest of the dumb are attracted to the sport...likely because they couldnt possibly understand anything less simple...
You like baseball because: 1.) your dumb... 2.) you play fantasy... 3.) you were raised traditionally - playing baseball as you grew up...or 4.) you like watching old fags stand around waiting for balls to drop in their vicinity (i call them predators)... WAYYYYYYYYYYOOOOO....hahaha....im a dick. but its true.
baseball fans everywhere!! ask yourself honestly....Why do you REALLY like baseball? I think you will find that I'm right. Or that I am an idiot when it comes to baseball, and thus my opinion on the matter is without merit.... you will come to one of those two conclusions...
hopefully, if you find i am in fact right, you fall into the one of the two baseball fan acceptable categories (you play fantasy, or were raised to like it). If you find that i am without merit...whether you admit it or not, you probably fall into one of my other two categories (your incredibly dumb, or your a flaming homo)...either way...im right...so fuck you.
mayhap more responses?...
again, moving forward...im in a bad mood...pay no attention to my baseball bashing.
When I hear things like "Oh yay! I'm such a bear fan! We got a new QB! Who's Cutler??"
god damnit....that pisses me off...
what the hell are you so happy about? admit that you dont watch football asshole...and then cry.
dont be a happy fan when everyone else is happy...and more importantly, dont be an angry fan when everyone else is angry. It makes me sick...
I'm sorry....im on a tirade here...but there have been a compilation of things that i've read and experienced today...that have just gotten my goat....
now you get to read my rant...as usual...
fuck all of you... fuck you, fuck you, youre cool, fuck you....youre cool.
seriously tho...
fuck you.
go ahead...i dare you.........send a dissenting e-mail...send me a "hi DLP"....tell me how awesome baseball is....poop my inbox...
I will fuck your child at a carnival....
DLP
--------------------
i dont dislike baseball....
i just beleive it blasphemous to call myself a baseball fan...even though I DO find enjoyment in certain aspects of the game
true baseball fans should laugh were i to say Im a sox fan, or a cub fan...
its a fine sport...and to each his own...if you like it....good...but your dumb...
im kidding...
seriously...good, everyone likes different things...its not a bad sport...
i guess my point was that others should follow my example except with football....stop pretending like you know something...it doesnt make you a fan...it makes you an asshole. its ok if you like going to football games....you dont have to know everything....but PLEASE FOR GOD SAKES, dont pretend like you do...
I swear...with some football fans I could say "Cutler just died in a terrible car crash and lost his arms" in a happy excited voice, and they would be like "OH YAYA biotch! We Win!! who made the most baskets?"
why.... just why? tell me...
and sports writers.....fuck....i already started...and will spare you more...
-----------------
noice Kuch
yeah...im not saying that there shouldnt be semi-fans....people that like a team for whatever the reason...kind of enjoying a game here and there...and/or being glad to hear that a certain team won...and so on and so forth...
I think I fall into that category for almost everything except bears...
on my tirade...i was all over the place and i think i could have been misinterpreted...let me explain...with a little story...that i can now tell...because my anger has subsided...and i wont automatically start anger-pissing on things everytime i think about it.
what i have a problem with actually has nothing to do with being a fan or not...i think its more a certain type of personality that bothers me....and specifically...the way that personality interacts with the world of sports...
...at least in this circumstance...my hatred was made quite clear...i dont like when people are confidently dumb...
basically I was at a restaurant/bar on the south side...sitting there minding my own B...reading a sports magazine of some sort with a Jay Cutler pic apparently noticable on one of the pages...
a dude walks by and comments on the cutler situation...kind of a negative comment...something about how he is high maintenance...
so i look up from the paper and ask the man, "are you a bears fan?"
he says "yeah...definitely" pointing to his bears shirt...
i say, "really? what makes you say that about cutler? because of the way he demanded a trade?..."
he says "oh, i read about it...read an article."
i say "so, you think the cutler trade was a bad one because an article told you he was high maintenance...? "
he says, "well i just dont think he will be able to handle our fans"
i say, "you mean "fans"... like you?"
he says, "yeah, weve been waiting for a qb...he better not be a pansy..."
i let my eyes close and stay shut for a moment... and sigh...
I say..."let me tell you about what kind of pansy we just traded for..." and i start to list off his stats last year...kind of prickishly at this point...
he says "yeah...but they never won with him..." matching my pricky tone...like arguing with a child
at this point im at a loss for words...and im just looking up...staring at the guy...
im thinking to myself...this guy HAS to be TRYING to piss me off...
I patiently explain, "true, but that was because of the defense...Cutlers actually one of the few good things that Denver had...hes going to be great for us...most people are really excited about this...most bear fans..."
He interupts, "yeah, because they dont realize that hes a pussy...it will be interesting to see the fallout...another qb disaster... im just glad for baseball..."
i look down and smile "yeah...youre more of a baseball fan arent you? (rhetorically)........ let me guess......Sox?"
he says "hell yea man...i cant wait"
i say..." yeaaah...exciting...see im not much of a baseball fan...i dont think i could name the damn catcher if my life depended on it....who is it again??"
a smile comes to my face as i validate that i am speaking with a complete moron......i see that he doesnt know who the catcher is...
he says, "oh man...im blanking....i couldnt even tell you..."
i say playfully, "fuck!...make up a name...i wouldnt know the difference. ahh well...guess i should read some of those articles you were talking about...hahah"
he seems insulted now... "haha....weellll...i dont need articles, im goin to opening (opening day)"
the attempted bragging has me annoyed now, "yea...a couple guys from my work are taking the whole day off."
he says "fuck yea man...time to get drunk."
i say " who are they playin...you know?"
he answers, "nope...just goin to get wasted..."
i sigh..."ahhh..sox fans..."
and then with relief and a near anurism...go back to my business...
he sits down at the bar and i overhear him continuing to talk nonsense with a friend...including making comments about the non sox fan over there...referring to me....and it got worse and worse...and they believed so intensly in what they were saying...yet it was pure shit...making no sense at all...even when it was about baseball...
....and it worsened......until i had to step in once more and correct them on the topic of Cutlers receiver options....which due to my frustration did not come off pleasant...and it was obvious that I could no longer share the same space with these two gelatanous retards...
so i left...before i was forced to put a beer mug upside down over his nutsack and stomp...nay....BALANCE upon it....until i had the circular cookie cutter shape i was looking for....then proceed to peel it off the floor...and slap him across the face with it....his own hairy sack pattie....stinging his face red...with only the sound a nut sack slap could make...
alas...i left instead...
soooo...after that, i couldnt let it go. i went shopping around for articles that could have been the cause for this guy being so stupid. I was hoping I would find that it was simply poor genetics (and i think it was). but unfortunately, I ALSO found too many of exactly what I feared...terrible opinion based articles presented as factual analysis.... subsequently i became pissy....resulting in my various e-mails...
so i apologize...
my problem is with inbred people...and career sports writers that should be selling hotdogs at sports events...not writing about them...
i will take a hint from kuch and never speak of this again...
DLP
-----------------------------
dont worry...as you have seen over the past several years...my rage filled e-mails will come and go...
just when everyone feels relief that there is finally a welcomed e-silence....a few days of peace....a few weeks perhaps?.....suddenly.....I come back.... and fuck your inboxes with e-mails of hate and anger.... the length of which only my cock can top...
in any event Kuch...your supposed "limited grasp on reality" while writing this e-mail is the type of grasp i attempt to acheive daily...i read this and decided that I am dumb...which is ironic...because I have just spent several e-mails complaining about dumb people. The paragraph is like an intellectual word puzzle....I KNOW it makes sense...but its complexity is still far beyond my understanding.....Like old people having anal sex....
....................
anywho...
the liklihood of my anger spewing forth in e-mail form is unlikely to repeat itself until more football news....and even then, I dont forsee much that i could possibly be upset about this year...i think it will be quiet.....perhaps joyfilled e-mails will become the reg...but i doubt it....i dont do well filling imaginations with thoughts of butterflies and rainbows....doesnt have the impact...
(Kuch - dont think I dont notice your subtle satire...but it truly is ridiculously subtle...reading your e-mails is like being assigned to find the symbolism "everyone poops")
and must you sign off on your emails as DWK? eerily similar to my trendy initialed sign off....
'DLP'
wouldnt you say?
DLP
2008 Regular Season Week 6 - Bears @ Falcons
Matt Ryan = Bear Hunter...
I hate Matt Ryan...
Actually, I kind of like the guy...and at one point very early in the season LAST year...I thought there was a decent possibility we could get in position to draft him...and that would have proved interesting...
But alas...Atlanta ends up with him...and he becomes the one reason why we cant escape Atlanta with a win.
Before I get too negative...
This game was awesome! what a crazy ass game. The fact that it was a good game made the loss a tad easier to swallow...but I'll tell you...i was not celebrating with 11 seconds on the clock...
I had a terrible feeling... and I was on the verge of puking as the Atlanta offense came back on the field. I was excited that Orton scored via Davis (great throw - awesome catch)...but not once, did I think we had it in the bag....
now, did I expect THAT to happen...no....it was my worst nightmare come true...a nightmare that I sensed from a mile away.
Only the bears can score with 11 seconds left and still be in danger of losing the game....damn elam...you couldnt miss number 2? bastard...
Can someone please explain to me why their was a man WIDE open at exactly the position on the field that a logical coach would make sure that NO ONE could have a chance at a ball...??
I mean right on the sideline so that they could get out of bounds.... just the right distance for a field goal attempt.....!!
WHY THE FUCK WAS OUR ENTIRE TEAM NOT RIGHT ON THE SIDELINES THERE - ON BOTH SIDES OF THE FIELD!!!??? DAMNIT!!!! Atlanta could have done ANYTHING else and we would have won...
Why we allow that field space to be open at all is completely beyond me...like frickin retards are making decisions around here... there should have been at least 2 guys right at that very spot on both sides of the field. what the hell...
I'll give it to Ryan for making a good throw....but if you really look at that play...it was an easy pass...the guy was wide open with plenty of room to spare....
With 11 seconds left...how you let there be a gimme 40 yard pass ANYWHERE is ridiculous...and having the space open right at the sideline is horrific.
Ryan had his way with the Defense all game...and my gut was telling me that with 11 seconds and the game on the line, that nothing would change....
but logic.....logic was telling me that there is no possible way....if we just THINK....just for a moment about what they need in order to win...JUST THINK for gods sake about where that ball needs to go for them to get into field goal position....logic would tell me that we are safe...we will just knock that ball right out of the air cause we will be ready for it and in position...we will have guys just standing there...
Well logic?...you suck... because we do....at thinking.....logically....
If someone can provide me with some football explanation as to how that could have happened...I would really appreciate it... I simply dont understand it.
And this isnt a hindsight is always 20/20 thing... it was clear as day to me where they had to go with the football...why was no one there? not one person was there in a position to make a play... what the hell were they all doing?
...and if someone tells me that pressure on the qb is the reason why a guy was open down there...then thats even more retarded. Pressuring the QB will make Ryan make a bad throw quickly...AT BEST...giving him another down to try the same thing after 3 seconds tick off for a play resulting in an incompletion.
the gameplan...my friends...SHOULD HAVE BEEN...hardcore coverage with minimal rush.
Let Ryan look all day if he wants to....he would be wasting the clock...his own time sitting back there in the pocket looking for the group of players that had less white jerseys...
Bring guys that would normally stay up in Ryan's face back into coverage. Simple football IQ... HOW WE DID NOT DO THIS IS A QUESTION THAT I WILL ASK UNTIL THE END OF MY DAYS...
Im just at a loss...
But I'm still not discouraged...if we were going to lose...i'd rather it be like that...
but we needed that game...dont think we didnt. that was important...and I am definitely upset about it.
But the good thing is Orton...what a show of leadership and skill...
and Forte...back in business now that we have a dual edged offense (be them sharp edges or not)
Davis saved us a COUPLE of times in that game and he looked solid.
Hester still progressing and looking better than ever...
So I saw some good things...
But overall...that one poor decision when it really counted regarding the defensive play choice...i dont think I can let that go...that was REALLY stupid....and I hope someone got fired.
Am I being too hard on the defensive decision makers?
DLP
I hate Matt Ryan...
Actually, I kind of like the guy...and at one point very early in the season LAST year...I thought there was a decent possibility we could get in position to draft him...and that would have proved interesting...
But alas...Atlanta ends up with him...and he becomes the one reason why we cant escape Atlanta with a win.
Before I get too negative...
This game was awesome! what a crazy ass game. The fact that it was a good game made the loss a tad easier to swallow...but I'll tell you...i was not celebrating with 11 seconds on the clock...
I had a terrible feeling... and I was on the verge of puking as the Atlanta offense came back on the field. I was excited that Orton scored via Davis (great throw - awesome catch)...but not once, did I think we had it in the bag....
now, did I expect THAT to happen...no....it was my worst nightmare come true...a nightmare that I sensed from a mile away.
Only the bears can score with 11 seconds left and still be in danger of losing the game....damn elam...you couldnt miss number 2? bastard...
Can someone please explain to me why their was a man WIDE open at exactly the position on the field that a logical coach would make sure that NO ONE could have a chance at a ball...??
I mean right on the sideline so that they could get out of bounds.... just the right distance for a field goal attempt.....!!
WHY THE FUCK WAS OUR ENTIRE TEAM NOT RIGHT ON THE SIDELINES THERE - ON BOTH SIDES OF THE FIELD!!!??? DAMNIT!!!! Atlanta could have done ANYTHING else and we would have won...
Why we allow that field space to be open at all is completely beyond me...like frickin retards are making decisions around here... there should have been at least 2 guys right at that very spot on both sides of the field. what the hell...
I'll give it to Ryan for making a good throw....but if you really look at that play...it was an easy pass...the guy was wide open with plenty of room to spare....
With 11 seconds left...how you let there be a gimme 40 yard pass ANYWHERE is ridiculous...and having the space open right at the sideline is horrific.
Ryan had his way with the Defense all game...and my gut was telling me that with 11 seconds and the game on the line, that nothing would change....
but logic.....logic was telling me that there is no possible way....if we just THINK....just for a moment about what they need in order to win...JUST THINK for gods sake about where that ball needs to go for them to get into field goal position....logic would tell me that we are safe...we will just knock that ball right out of the air cause we will be ready for it and in position...we will have guys just standing there...
Well logic?...you suck... because we do....at thinking.....logically....
If someone can provide me with some football explanation as to how that could have happened...I would really appreciate it... I simply dont understand it.
And this isnt a hindsight is always 20/20 thing... it was clear as day to me where they had to go with the football...why was no one there? not one person was there in a position to make a play... what the hell were they all doing?
...and if someone tells me that pressure on the qb is the reason why a guy was open down there...then thats even more retarded. Pressuring the QB will make Ryan make a bad throw quickly...AT BEST...giving him another down to try the same thing after 3 seconds tick off for a play resulting in an incompletion.
the gameplan...my friends...SHOULD HAVE BEEN...hardcore coverage with minimal rush.
Let Ryan look all day if he wants to....he would be wasting the clock...his own time sitting back there in the pocket looking for the group of players that had less white jerseys...
Bring guys that would normally stay up in Ryan's face back into coverage. Simple football IQ... HOW WE DID NOT DO THIS IS A QUESTION THAT I WILL ASK UNTIL THE END OF MY DAYS...
Im just at a loss...
But I'm still not discouraged...if we were going to lose...i'd rather it be like that...
but we needed that game...dont think we didnt. that was important...and I am definitely upset about it.
But the good thing is Orton...what a show of leadership and skill...
and Forte...back in business now that we have a dual edged offense (be them sharp edges or not)
Davis saved us a COUPLE of times in that game and he looked solid.
Hester still progressing and looking better than ever...
So I saw some good things...
But overall...that one poor decision when it really counted regarding the defensive play choice...i dont think I can let that go...that was REALLY stupid....and I hope someone got fired.
Am I being too hard on the defensive decision makers?
DLP
2008 Regular Season Week 5 - Bears @ Lions
Bears win...
they did good...
dream game...
Detroit lions tho...
Orton progressing well, even so...
Defense still looking hot...
Hester looking better at receiver...
Forte still impressing me quite a bit - far higher than my expectations...
Olsen back on track...lets hope he continues not to fumble...
So the reason for this bulleted e-mail is because I heard some complaints that I am falling behind with my weekly Bears e-mails...obviously this is true. I apologize for my lack of attention of late...I have been busy. But as you all know - busyness occurrs in phases - never fear - I will be back in full capacity at some point - where you will have a 4 page e-mail from me every week....right now tho it is just not possible. You will have to be satisfied with the briefer version (the preference for most of you im sure).
Lets be honest - when there is nothing to complain about...my e-mails are hardly any fun. Half of the good stuff comes from me going on a ridiculously unnecessary rant for 7 pages.
All that I saw was good on Sunday...and subsequently I have no entertainment for you.
DLP
-------------------
This is mostly a response to MElons, but Jon, I agree with you as well.
MElons writes...
"123, 92, 89, 43, 36 and
5.3, 4.0, 3.3, 2.3, 2.4
those are matt fortes total yards and yards per carry each game this year. For team that still wants to play 4 yards and a cloud of dust football, that doesn't bode well.
Im not sure what game you were watching but 36 yards on 15 carries against the lions for forte is pretty scary to me."
Yeah...I'll be honest - when I wrote that I wasnt REALLY thinking about the game...I think I was just thinking that we did well and that Forte must have been a part of that - but your right - he really wasnt (at least not according to the stats - I will explain below...there are some intangibles that I am not sure you are considering).
That doesnt change the fact that he has been impressive - and I do still think that - even in light of your handy number representation.
In fact, I'm glad that his carries have become fewer and that his numbers became lower. You know what that means? Other teams are planning for him.
At the beginning of the season, no one knew shit about him and he raped defenses. As he became a beeping coffee spill on the radar, defenses had to consider him as THE bear offense - and thats what he was/is. Once they started focusing their energies on that - looky looky - Orton has a fantastic game.
Forte is doing exactly what he is supposed to - legitimizing the run game of the bears. His talent level is the same - its just people know about him now. But that makes them vulnerable to OTHER things...like Orton.
So your numbers may mean one thing to you - but they mean something totally different to me.
They mean that our strategy is working. They mean that defenses think that they can stop us by stopping our run game. While they are focused on trying to do so, receivers are being opened up and we are getting bigger pass plays. A couple of stuffed runs every now and again, that get us back to the line of scrimmage, is worth the vertical game that we potentially gain.
Granted - Orton has to be on and the receivers have to catch the ball...but I feel like if not for Forte - you wouldnt see as much progression in some of the other players that will be key to our success throughout the season.
Forte cant do it all, but using him as a slight of hand tactic (look over here while I secretly send hester on a slant)...gets the ball into some of our other playmakers hands (and yes, we have others).
I was talking with Bahkus about this weeks ago actually. Forte cant do it all...we needed some other people to put forth some effort. By the opposing teams focusing on Forte - they are actually forcing that to happen....AND Forte's early success is the main reason why their (the other players on the team) efforts are increasingly resulting in success.
So while you may see a dismal future based on those numbers - I see confused opponents. I see people not really understanding where they should focus their energies or how to approach our offense.
The logical answer is to kill the run game --- and that should work against the bears in most cases...but in this case it didnt...and if I have been right all along about Orton's progression, it will continue to not work very well.
The fact is that Orton is better and has been getting better each game of the season.
Forte was good and still is good but no longer has the element of surprise.
With those two leaders on both aspects of the offense...the hope would be that if the run game has a bad showing - the pass game steps it up...when the pass game fails...the run game succeeds.
Against our defense - the opponent doesnt have much time to figure which to be most concerned with...the hope being that we are up by too large of a margin by the time they figure it out. They are not going to have much of a chance of coming back against a defense that scores as well as their offense does...and when our offense can give it to you by air or by foot and you have no initial clue which it could be today? money...
The big question is -- can we really give it to you by air OR by foot? I would suggest that we can -- but barely.... -- just as much as we have to. I'm not saying that either aspect of the offense will ever be breathtaking...but I think that they can do enough (because "enough" is truly just 3 points every once in a while).
Against our defense (the way it can be at its highest performance level), a couple of field goals per half will probably do it against most opponents...all other things considered (defensive scores, special teams).
We win field position games with a credible pass game. Forte makes the run game threatening enough to allow potential for a pass game. Success in a pass game does one of two good things - 1.) scores points 2.) puts our defense in a great position against their offense and forces them to go a long way against it to put anything up on the scoreboard
Our defense having an opposing offense on a longer stretch of field before their endzone gives our aggressive defense a lot of opportunities to mess something up and return the ball to OUR offense... AND giving them a short field to work with after a turnover. A couple of yards, just a sprinkle of success for our offense, and we have points.
And the defense gets back on to try it again, start the whole process over again... The key is that after a field position battle back and forth that WE end up with SOME points...
Its all connected - and Forte is the key that could potentially make it all snap together like its supposed to. His ability to legitimize the Bears as a running team (like they always should have been) will make or break the Bears this season.
The defense has always been top notch.
The pass game was shady but always has been and never wont be. We just need minimal talent there which will be magnified (for the better) by running success.
Now that we have seen a little running success...you are observing the magnification of the talent that has always been there but has been viewed as a weakness that opposition can take advantage of ...
When there is no other obvious threat, protecting from long yardage pass plays is easy. Not so easy when you need those coverage guys to stuff up the box in the event that Forte is planning on breaking one.
So whether Forte is literally successful or not, he makes or breaks every game.
Just as there is a Hester effect on punts and kickoffs...I believe that the game against the Lions reflected the Forte effect. Some of his value is intangible.
Those numbers dont bother me at all...
Jon,
I DO feel you on your O'line concerns - I think Forte would break huge ones if he could get some more openings -- I feel like he is being touched early way too often. Luckily hes a bruiser and usually finds the yards anyway - but he shouldnt be forced to fight like that until later in runs. He needs some space, which will give him more speed, which will give momentum, which will make end of runs much easier on him...not to mention harder on the defense.
Anyone else believe in the Forte effect? His numbers were bound to falter. His effect is even greater now as far as I'm concerned though...
He just cant get hurt...trust me - it would spell disaster....it would prove my point once and for all....but it would be a complete disaster.
Theres the 4 pager you were looking for Bouch?
DLP
they did good...
dream game...
Detroit lions tho...
Orton progressing well, even so...
Defense still looking hot...
Hester looking better at receiver...
Forte still impressing me quite a bit - far higher than my expectations...
Olsen back on track...lets hope he continues not to fumble...
So the reason for this bulleted e-mail is because I heard some complaints that I am falling behind with my weekly Bears e-mails...obviously this is true. I apologize for my lack of attention of late...I have been busy. But as you all know - busyness occurrs in phases - never fear - I will be back in full capacity at some point - where you will have a 4 page e-mail from me every week....right now tho it is just not possible. You will have to be satisfied with the briefer version (the preference for most of you im sure).
Lets be honest - when there is nothing to complain about...my e-mails are hardly any fun. Half of the good stuff comes from me going on a ridiculously unnecessary rant for 7 pages.
All that I saw was good on Sunday...and subsequently I have no entertainment for you.
DLP
-------------------
This is mostly a response to MElons, but Jon, I agree with you as well.
MElons writes...
"123, 92, 89, 43, 36 and
5.3, 4.0, 3.3, 2.3, 2.4
those are matt fortes total yards and yards per carry each game this year. For team that still wants to play 4 yards and a cloud of dust football, that doesn't bode well.
Im not sure what game you were watching but 36 yards on 15 carries against the lions for forte is pretty scary to me."
Yeah...I'll be honest - when I wrote that I wasnt REALLY thinking about the game...I think I was just thinking that we did well and that Forte must have been a part of that - but your right - he really wasnt (at least not according to the stats - I will explain below...there are some intangibles that I am not sure you are considering).
That doesnt change the fact that he has been impressive - and I do still think that - even in light of your handy number representation.
In fact, I'm glad that his carries have become fewer and that his numbers became lower. You know what that means? Other teams are planning for him.
At the beginning of the season, no one knew shit about him and he raped defenses. As he became a beeping coffee spill on the radar, defenses had to consider him as THE bear offense - and thats what he was/is. Once they started focusing their energies on that - looky looky - Orton has a fantastic game.
Forte is doing exactly what he is supposed to - legitimizing the run game of the bears. His talent level is the same - its just people know about him now. But that makes them vulnerable to OTHER things...like Orton.
So your numbers may mean one thing to you - but they mean something totally different to me.
They mean that our strategy is working. They mean that defenses think that they can stop us by stopping our run game. While they are focused on trying to do so, receivers are being opened up and we are getting bigger pass plays. A couple of stuffed runs every now and again, that get us back to the line of scrimmage, is worth the vertical game that we potentially gain.
Granted - Orton has to be on and the receivers have to catch the ball...but I feel like if not for Forte - you wouldnt see as much progression in some of the other players that will be key to our success throughout the season.
Forte cant do it all, but using him as a slight of hand tactic (look over here while I secretly send hester on a slant)...gets the ball into some of our other playmakers hands (and yes, we have others).
I was talking with Bahkus about this weeks ago actually. Forte cant do it all...we needed some other people to put forth some effort. By the opposing teams focusing on Forte - they are actually forcing that to happen....AND Forte's early success is the main reason why their (the other players on the team) efforts are increasingly resulting in success.
So while you may see a dismal future based on those numbers - I see confused opponents. I see people not really understanding where they should focus their energies or how to approach our offense.
The logical answer is to kill the run game --- and that should work against the bears in most cases...but in this case it didnt...and if I have been right all along about Orton's progression, it will continue to not work very well.
The fact is that Orton is better and has been getting better each game of the season.
Forte was good and still is good but no longer has the element of surprise.
With those two leaders on both aspects of the offense...the hope would be that if the run game has a bad showing - the pass game steps it up...when the pass game fails...the run game succeeds.
Against our defense - the opponent doesnt have much time to figure which to be most concerned with...the hope being that we are up by too large of a margin by the time they figure it out. They are not going to have much of a chance of coming back against a defense that scores as well as their offense does...and when our offense can give it to you by air or by foot and you have no initial clue which it could be today? money...
The big question is -- can we really give it to you by air OR by foot? I would suggest that we can -- but barely.... -- just as much as we have to. I'm not saying that either aspect of the offense will ever be breathtaking...but I think that they can do enough (because "enough" is truly just 3 points every once in a while).
Against our defense (the way it can be at its highest performance level), a couple of field goals per half will probably do it against most opponents...all other things considered (defensive scores, special teams).
We win field position games with a credible pass game. Forte makes the run game threatening enough to allow potential for a pass game. Success in a pass game does one of two good things - 1.) scores points 2.) puts our defense in a great position against their offense and forces them to go a long way against it to put anything up on the scoreboard
Our defense having an opposing offense on a longer stretch of field before their endzone gives our aggressive defense a lot of opportunities to mess something up and return the ball to OUR offense... AND giving them a short field to work with after a turnover. A couple of yards, just a sprinkle of success for our offense, and we have points.
And the defense gets back on to try it again, start the whole process over again... The key is that after a field position battle back and forth that WE end up with SOME points...
Its all connected - and Forte is the key that could potentially make it all snap together like its supposed to. His ability to legitimize the Bears as a running team (like they always should have been) will make or break the Bears this season.
The defense has always been top notch.
The pass game was shady but always has been and never wont be. We just need minimal talent there which will be magnified (for the better) by running success.
Now that we have seen a little running success...you are observing the magnification of the talent that has always been there but has been viewed as a weakness that opposition can take advantage of ...
When there is no other obvious threat, protecting from long yardage pass plays is easy. Not so easy when you need those coverage guys to stuff up the box in the event that Forte is planning on breaking one.
So whether Forte is literally successful or not, he makes or breaks every game.
Just as there is a Hester effect on punts and kickoffs...I believe that the game against the Lions reflected the Forte effect. Some of his value is intangible.
Those numbers dont bother me at all...
Jon,
I DO feel you on your O'line concerns - I think Forte would break huge ones if he could get some more openings -- I feel like he is being touched early way too often. Luckily hes a bruiser and usually finds the yards anyway - but he shouldnt be forced to fight like that until later in runs. He needs some space, which will give him more speed, which will give momentum, which will make end of runs much easier on him...not to mention harder on the defense.
Anyone else believe in the Forte effect? His numbers were bound to falter. His effect is even greater now as far as I'm concerned though...
He just cant get hurt...trust me - it would spell disaster....it would prove my point once and for all....but it would be a complete disaster.
Theres the 4 pager you were looking for Bouch?
DLP
2008 Regular Season Week 4 - Bears vs Eagles
Nice work Dave...you beat me...
And the goal line stand is about all you need to know about this game to comprehend what it took from our defense to hold onto the win.
It was an impressive defensive showing...and thank the lords for that. I thought for sure we were going to let it go right at the end again...but we held on.
I had a long weekend...and would have loved to come watch the game with you guys, it was just a little too much for me to try to make it out there with my energy level the way it was. Let me put it this way...you all know what a hardcore Bears fan I am, and furthermore, what an exciting game it was last night....yeah, I fell asleep four separate times. Thats one rude awakening, with a horrified and desperate need for a score update, per quarter...
As such...I cant really claim to have seen every last play...but I saw the big ones...and I got the gist.
Ball control? terrible...too many turnovers is an understatement...
Clock management?...scary at times...but overall, I am relieved to see the smarter coaching that allowed us to hold onto that lead.
Offense? Dont talk to me. turnovers...thats what we were always supposed to be limiting...it never mattered what was accomplished production-wise...just hold onto the ball...worse comes to worse...we punt....Maynard is a pimp...id like to use him.
That said (which is an obvious reaction and the primary issue with the offense last night), the FIRST HALF offense was great...I'd like to know what happened at half...Has Rex spread the good ___, bad ___ disease to the whole team? I was watching a whole team doing their best impression of Rex Grossman...or an offense at least.....
Excluding the second half miscues...I thought Orton's throws looked accurate. Basically, if the play wasnt blown up completely, I noticed that he was usually able to get the ball where it needed to be...
I thought the receivers could have done a better job throughout the game...their inconsistency has to be frustrating for Orton...
Speaking of frustration...our poor defense...i love those guys.
I want to call out Briggs. I thought he had an incredible game. I think that he played hard the whole game, and not only came up with a couple of big plays (and obviously big hits), but he did a lot of things that didnt pad his stats, but that I feel are direct reasons for the success of the defense.
big...BIG game for the Bear D. I am very proud of this season's defensive display. ... Now responsible for two BIG upsets...and kept our losses extremely close...where if we had any sort of offensive help...those should have been wins as well.
Basically...we have a 4-0 defense and an 0-4 offense. Makes sense that we currently reside at a balanced 2-2 record. I have to believe though that our offense is finding itself...
Here's why I think that.
Did you guys notice that it seemed like the pre-strategized first couple of plays were perfectly executed? ...and resulted in points? I think this is because many times a coaching staff will prepare for a game by actually having the first couple of drives pre-scripted....meaning they already know, at the very least, the types of plays that will be utilized during the onset of the game. Obviously...these plays can be specifically practiced and tuned up.
It could be a combination of bad play calling later in the game and poor execution of those plays that result in the lack of offensive production later in the games. OR (and I think this is the REAL problem), when the coaches CANT pre-emptively gameplan...as they cant for later situations in games.....they suck at play calling, adapting, and in-game football innovation.
Maybe, when the coaches have to call plays on the fly (or during game) instead of having a scripted drive-strategy...the plays that are chosen are either flawed because strategically they are not the right play for the situation and the timed nature of the play calling is causing poor decisions to be made ...OR...since they werent "planned-on-plays" they are executed poorly because they are not as well practiced.
Either way...there is such a discrepancy between the way that our offense starts, and the way that it ends, that I feel there must be some sort of explanation for this.
Do any of you think that my inference above might have any merit? or any other possible explanations? or do we just suck overall and get lucky right off the bat? Or do they get tired? lose focus? I need something...I'm grasping at air trying to comprehend the two offenses I saw.
If we can figure out a way to have our offense as well versed on the plays that are called DURING THE GAME (NOT pre-determined plays), obviously we will see some more success.
How bout something as simple as a couple of field goal drives in the second half. It was exampled perfectly that even just ONE field goal when the Bears are in the lead can result in us being able to hold onto the win. I feel like they should be easier to come by later in the game...especially when we are leading...which seems to be a trend this season somehow.
If the offense is causing sparks to fly early in the game and can get us the lead...THATS the hard part. For some reason, once that is done, its like the offense takes the rest of the night off. We should, at the very least be able to hold the lead by just adding three to the lead every once in a while....
run, run, run, first....run, pass, run, first...run, run, run, stuck? ok...field goal...yay gould...how hard is that?
We have one of the best field goal kickers...why can we never get him into position when we have the lead...its crazy to me. It's not like we are starting on our own 2 every time...we often get great field position and cant take it for 2 first downs for a field goal attempt? thats insane....Eight 3 yd runs...thats all...3 yds per down....not that difficult...especially with the way Forte is running these days.
Which reminds me...Jones...hold onto the ball you shmuck...you play once a night...damnit!....use the time youre on the bench to learn the plays...how do you misinterpret a supposed end-around....the play either has you in it or it doesnt. It's pretty important to know which it is...
There were a lot of turnovers that fans could be upset about...but that one really got my goat...just stupid...and unreasonable. The dude used to start, and he cant even spell Forte for a single play now that he is with the Bears?
I need more from him... a lot more....and if he doesnt start ADDING to the offense instead of taking from it...I'm going to get really upset. Forte is already surpassing expectations and doing more than I think he was originally supposed to. How much more slack does he have to pick up?...fucking learn the playbook and get on the same page as your QB for the ONE play that you have.
On a lighter note...
Bears Win...
it felt good...but dont forget, we would have lost if Westbrook was playing. Good ol' Bear luck gave us this upset...and we needed it, because I was losing hope quickly...but its back now...never fear.
DLP
And the goal line stand is about all you need to know about this game to comprehend what it took from our defense to hold onto the win.
It was an impressive defensive showing...and thank the lords for that. I thought for sure we were going to let it go right at the end again...but we held on.
I had a long weekend...and would have loved to come watch the game with you guys, it was just a little too much for me to try to make it out there with my energy level the way it was. Let me put it this way...you all know what a hardcore Bears fan I am, and furthermore, what an exciting game it was last night....yeah, I fell asleep four separate times. Thats one rude awakening, with a horrified and desperate need for a score update, per quarter...
As such...I cant really claim to have seen every last play...but I saw the big ones...and I got the gist.
Ball control? terrible...too many turnovers is an understatement...
Clock management?...scary at times...but overall, I am relieved to see the smarter coaching that allowed us to hold onto that lead.
Offense? Dont talk to me. turnovers...thats what we were always supposed to be limiting...it never mattered what was accomplished production-wise...just hold onto the ball...worse comes to worse...we punt....Maynard is a pimp...id like to use him.
That said (which is an obvious reaction and the primary issue with the offense last night), the FIRST HALF offense was great...I'd like to know what happened at half...Has Rex spread the good ___, bad ___ disease to the whole team? I was watching a whole team doing their best impression of Rex Grossman...or an offense at least.....
Excluding the second half miscues...I thought Orton's throws looked accurate. Basically, if the play wasnt blown up completely, I noticed that he was usually able to get the ball where it needed to be...
I thought the receivers could have done a better job throughout the game...their inconsistency has to be frustrating for Orton...
Speaking of frustration...our poor defense...i love those guys.
I want to call out Briggs. I thought he had an incredible game. I think that he played hard the whole game, and not only came up with a couple of big plays (and obviously big hits), but he did a lot of things that didnt pad his stats, but that I feel are direct reasons for the success of the defense.
big...BIG game for the Bear D. I am very proud of this season's defensive display. ... Now responsible for two BIG upsets...and kept our losses extremely close...where if we had any sort of offensive help...those should have been wins as well.
Basically...we have a 4-0 defense and an 0-4 offense. Makes sense that we currently reside at a balanced 2-2 record. I have to believe though that our offense is finding itself...
Here's why I think that.
Did you guys notice that it seemed like the pre-strategized first couple of plays were perfectly executed? ...and resulted in points? I think this is because many times a coaching staff will prepare for a game by actually having the first couple of drives pre-scripted....meaning they already know, at the very least, the types of plays that will be utilized during the onset of the game. Obviously...these plays can be specifically practiced and tuned up.
It could be a combination of bad play calling later in the game and poor execution of those plays that result in the lack of offensive production later in the games. OR (and I think this is the REAL problem), when the coaches CANT pre-emptively gameplan...as they cant for later situations in games.....they suck at play calling, adapting, and in-game football innovation.
Maybe, when the coaches have to call plays on the fly (or during game) instead of having a scripted drive-strategy...the plays that are chosen are either flawed because strategically they are not the right play for the situation and the timed nature of the play calling is causing poor decisions to be made ...OR...since they werent "planned-on-plays" they are executed poorly because they are not as well practiced.
Either way...there is such a discrepancy between the way that our offense starts, and the way that it ends, that I feel there must be some sort of explanation for this.
Do any of you think that my inference above might have any merit? or any other possible explanations? or do we just suck overall and get lucky right off the bat? Or do they get tired? lose focus? I need something...I'm grasping at air trying to comprehend the two offenses I saw.
If we can figure out a way to have our offense as well versed on the plays that are called DURING THE GAME (NOT pre-determined plays), obviously we will see some more success.
How bout something as simple as a couple of field goal drives in the second half. It was exampled perfectly that even just ONE field goal when the Bears are in the lead can result in us being able to hold onto the win. I feel like they should be easier to come by later in the game...especially when we are leading...which seems to be a trend this season somehow.
If the offense is causing sparks to fly early in the game and can get us the lead...THATS the hard part. For some reason, once that is done, its like the offense takes the rest of the night off. We should, at the very least be able to hold the lead by just adding three to the lead every once in a while....
run, run, run, first....run, pass, run, first...run, run, run, stuck? ok...field goal...yay gould...how hard is that?
We have one of the best field goal kickers...why can we never get him into position when we have the lead...its crazy to me. It's not like we are starting on our own 2 every time...we often get great field position and cant take it for 2 first downs for a field goal attempt? thats insane....Eight 3 yd runs...thats all...3 yds per down....not that difficult...especially with the way Forte is running these days.
Which reminds me...Jones...hold onto the ball you shmuck...you play once a night...damnit!....use the time youre on the bench to learn the plays...how do you misinterpret a supposed end-around....the play either has you in it or it doesnt. It's pretty important to know which it is...
There were a lot of turnovers that fans could be upset about...but that one really got my goat...just stupid...and unreasonable. The dude used to start, and he cant even spell Forte for a single play now that he is with the Bears?
I need more from him... a lot more....and if he doesnt start ADDING to the offense instead of taking from it...I'm going to get really upset. Forte is already surpassing expectations and doing more than I think he was originally supposed to. How much more slack does he have to pick up?...fucking learn the playbook and get on the same page as your QB for the ONE play that you have.
On a lighter note...
Bears Win...
it felt good...but dont forget, we would have lost if Westbrook was playing. Good ol' Bear luck gave us this upset...and we needed it, because I was losing hope quickly...but its back now...never fear.
DLP
2008 Regular Season Week 2 - Bears @ Panthers
One word to describe yesterday's game - frustrating. I think that word describes how a lot of bears fans feel right now...and I cant blame them.
I was having deja vu with the offense. It appears as though we are where we started...where the defense is again doing what they have to, to allow us a chance to win....but our offense is not doing its duty....instead of a qb being to blame, which according to our extraordinarily intelligent fans was the issue in the offense back then....now we can blame all our problems on a NEW SCAPEGOAT!! YAY! Olsen...YOU SUCK!.
I'm being sarcastic.
Ok, obviously, certain players on the offense (I wont name names - fuck it - yes i will - Olsen, McKie) had terrible games...but this was a team loss...no doubt about it.
There were several points during the game in which, I THINK, we could have put them away...and we failed to do so. It wasnt JUST Olsen's fumbleaaaaaayyyass...those were bad...but there was an overall lack of effort to me...and some play calling that I found to be somewhat suspect. Considering last weeks obvious gameplan....there seemed to be a very inconsistent one in week 2.
Looking beyond all that...I cant be terribly upset....and here is my reasoning.
Reason 1:
Shit happens....its not so often that Bears football is on the shitty side of this well known proverb. Usually shit happens to our advantage...or really, "shit happens" is what we are able to say to the other team.
This time....WE have to accept the fact that we lost a game that was seemingly in hand and most certainly should have been won.
Shit happens....people fumble....people call plays that have us trying to throw on 2nd and 3rd down with 2 yards to go for a 1st down...GET THE FUCKING 1st DOWN....idiots...
Reason 2:
Following the same logic as the reason above, I cannot be permanently discouraged. This was a bad game for our offense. If we can pull together a good offensive performance...and keep everything else status quo....we will win games again.
I guess, I'm just not concerned yet that this will happen every game....we ate a couple of bad beats...which as mistakes, could have been minimized a bit more. I'm not suggesting that mistakes cant be made for me to expect us to win...but they certainly cant be mistakes that have the worst possible effect every time they happen.
Mistakes will be made...we cant expect a perfect offense...in fact far from it. What we need to hope happens is that WHEN the mistakes are made, it isnt ALSO the WORST POSSIBLE TIME with the WORST POSSIBLE EFFECTS - which occurred for every mistake that we made.
Assuming that a compilation of bad beats can only happen rarely...I think the offense will come back and perform decently at home giving us the next two wins....assuming everything else remains the same...which is hardly a safe assumption. In any event, I think we are still primed to win...we just lost at our own game on this occasion. I dont think that is a likely event to repeat itself is all...
Reason 3:
There are some good things to take away from this game. Forte will be relatively consistent, it appears...thats good. The O-line did not suffer injuries that I am aware of...which would be devastating early in the season. Orton, although he had some iffy decisions and some TERRIBLE long throws....overall, I'm still impressed with how he handled the game....I think we would have all liked to see more accuracy on the long ball.
But hey, we (and I mean stupid bears fans) asked for it. When you value consistency more than talent in your QB position...this is where you end up. We were missing Rex's vertical accuracy...no doubt about it...and yes, BOUCH, I think we would have won that game with Rex in instead. Hindsight is 20/20. Were Rex starting that game, and he fumbled twice on a snap, I would be saying the opposite.
Unfortunately, we cannot combine each of their good qualities...so we have to live with one or the other...Orton IS the safer choice...but safe does not win games like that.
At a certain point, we needed to throw caution to the wind...and that was the problem - Orton cant throw long...and thus was unsuccessful in the coaches attempts to throw caution to the wind. ...and they DID try....over 9 times if I remember correctly.
Orton will progress with his long ball accuracy as the season continues. It should definitely be a point of focus this week for Orton tho, but I'm not sure what else can be expected. We should all be well aware that
a.) a long pass game, the bears do NOT have....and by design, shouldnt have. When we get behind...odds are we are staying there... unless special teams or defense comes to our rescue with a turnover.
b.) Orton does not have much in-game experience throwing in situations like this. His physical limitations in talent are being worked on and his progression in that area, as far as I know, has been good of late. The accuracy of these types of longer yardage throws should improve over time. However, to expect the accuracy level of Rex at some point from Orton on long throws, is not realistic. It wont happen. And Rex isnt even a shining example of accuracy... Orton has great accuracy on the short throws....but increase the yardage, and its almost an exponential decrease in his chances for completion. He just needs to minimize that discrepancy between the two, or opponents will be able to scheme a defensive strategy against us easily (which I thought was exampled by the Panthers)
...One way to look at Rex's inconsistencies as a positive thing...at least the opposing defense could never get a clear idea of which Rex to expect and plan for...
c.) we should rarely NEED Orton to complete passes for large yardage chunks - all in a single quarter or two. If everything else goes to plan, we will never be in the position we found ourselves in. If there are no fumbles...if there is no 2nd half comebacks because our offense cant MINIMALLY put field goals up on the board...this shouldnt be an issue very often. Orton is more likely to be successful with long yardage pass plays if done THROUGHOUT the whole game - thrown in between some run plays and short yardage passes. WHICH we actually did quite a bit more than I initially thought would be done...early in the game. We opened up the vertical game and threw long passes every now and again...so that was good. Orton didnt complete them because they were TERRIBLY thrown with wide open receivers....but we tried them when we should have and thats a good thing...considering the normal coaching SOP which we have all come to know and love....AKA - stupidity.
If Orton cant make those long throws when they arent suspecting it...what in gods name made the coaches think he would suddenly be able to complete them when he ABSOLUTELY HAD to...with twice the pressure....i cant say. The game was over as soon as we NEEDED Orton to complete long passes, as far as I was concerned.
We will never win a game that we NEED our QB during...its a fact. The bears have to be able to win with little, or no, production from the pass game. If we go INTO every game knowing this...and preparing in this way...I think we can only be pleasantly surprised by our pass game. If you go into a game thinking the Bears are going to have a pass game like Philly - your an idiot.
It is just not going to happen. The fact is is that we should have never NEEDED to have a pass game that comes anywhere near to Philly's. We should have been in a situation where it was the Panther offense with the burden of chasing our methodical point increase. But we had nothing being methodically added...THATS what the problem was. We should have been walking away from each drive with minimally 3 points, as I saw it. Even with a 17 point spree by the Panthers, if we had been scoring just the minimum of what I thought should have been scored if it werent for costly mistakes...we would have won the game....granted - in usual Bear close-game technique.
So all in all - I guess what I'm saying is that if all of these HORRIBLE HORRIBLE mistakes made us lose to the Panthers in a close game by 3 points...if we limit, at the very least, the type of impact that our mistakes have, or if luck just treats us better in future occurances relative to the timing and nature of the mistakes...I think we win these types of games.
especially when you consider that Orton is still progressing...and perhaps someday will find himself better equipped to bail us out when we DO, ultimately, make mistakes....which are bound to happen....
I would argue however, that they are not often likely to happen again in the same unfortunate way they did in Week 2. Not impossible...but I would argue - unlikely.
Another obvious comment on the game was that it was sloppy. Penalties will dwindle - especially under Lovie...
I dont know what was going on...but of this I am almost certain - you will not see nearly as many penalties in a single game for the rest of the season. My guess is that Lovie considers the penalty situation during that game a blasphemy to his coaching values...and thus will not allow it to continue for long.
lets hope we have a good homecoming next weekend...thats all
DLP
I was having deja vu with the offense. It appears as though we are where we started...where the defense is again doing what they have to, to allow us a chance to win....but our offense is not doing its duty....instead of a qb being to blame, which according to our extraordinarily intelligent fans was the issue in the offense back then....now we can blame all our problems on a NEW SCAPEGOAT!! YAY! Olsen...YOU SUCK!.
I'm being sarcastic.
Ok, obviously, certain players on the offense (I wont name names - fuck it - yes i will - Olsen, McKie) had terrible games...but this was a team loss...no doubt about it.
There were several points during the game in which, I THINK, we could have put them away...and we failed to do so. It wasnt JUST Olsen's fumbleaaaaaayyyass...those were bad...but there was an overall lack of effort to me...and some play calling that I found to be somewhat suspect. Considering last weeks obvious gameplan....there seemed to be a very inconsistent one in week 2.
Looking beyond all that...I cant be terribly upset....and here is my reasoning.
Reason 1:
Shit happens....its not so often that Bears football is on the shitty side of this well known proverb. Usually shit happens to our advantage...or really, "shit happens" is what we are able to say to the other team.
This time....WE have to accept the fact that we lost a game that was seemingly in hand and most certainly should have been won.
Shit happens....people fumble....people call plays that have us trying to throw on 2nd and 3rd down with 2 yards to go for a 1st down...GET THE FUCKING 1st DOWN....idiots...
Reason 2:
Following the same logic as the reason above, I cannot be permanently discouraged. This was a bad game for our offense. If we can pull together a good offensive performance...and keep everything else status quo....we will win games again.
I guess, I'm just not concerned yet that this will happen every game....we ate a couple of bad beats...which as mistakes, could have been minimized a bit more. I'm not suggesting that mistakes cant be made for me to expect us to win...but they certainly cant be mistakes that have the worst possible effect every time they happen.
Mistakes will be made...we cant expect a perfect offense...in fact far from it. What we need to hope happens is that WHEN the mistakes are made, it isnt ALSO the WORST POSSIBLE TIME with the WORST POSSIBLE EFFECTS - which occurred for every mistake that we made.
Assuming that a compilation of bad beats can only happen rarely...I think the offense will come back and perform decently at home giving us the next two wins....assuming everything else remains the same...which is hardly a safe assumption. In any event, I think we are still primed to win...we just lost at our own game on this occasion. I dont think that is a likely event to repeat itself is all...
Reason 3:
There are some good things to take away from this game. Forte will be relatively consistent, it appears...thats good. The O-line did not suffer injuries that I am aware of...which would be devastating early in the season. Orton, although he had some iffy decisions and some TERRIBLE long throws....overall, I'm still impressed with how he handled the game....I think we would have all liked to see more accuracy on the long ball.
But hey, we (and I mean stupid bears fans) asked for it. When you value consistency more than talent in your QB position...this is where you end up. We were missing Rex's vertical accuracy...no doubt about it...and yes, BOUCH, I think we would have won that game with Rex in instead. Hindsight is 20/20. Were Rex starting that game, and he fumbled twice on a snap, I would be saying the opposite.
Unfortunately, we cannot combine each of their good qualities...so we have to live with one or the other...Orton IS the safer choice...but safe does not win games like that.
At a certain point, we needed to throw caution to the wind...and that was the problem - Orton cant throw long...and thus was unsuccessful in the coaches attempts to throw caution to the wind. ...and they DID try....over 9 times if I remember correctly.
Orton will progress with his long ball accuracy as the season continues. It should definitely be a point of focus this week for Orton tho, but I'm not sure what else can be expected. We should all be well aware that
a.) a long pass game, the bears do NOT have....and by design, shouldnt have. When we get behind...odds are we are staying there... unless special teams or defense comes to our rescue with a turnover.
b.) Orton does not have much in-game experience throwing in situations like this. His physical limitations in talent are being worked on and his progression in that area, as far as I know, has been good of late. The accuracy of these types of longer yardage throws should improve over time. However, to expect the accuracy level of Rex at some point from Orton on long throws, is not realistic. It wont happen. And Rex isnt even a shining example of accuracy... Orton has great accuracy on the short throws....but increase the yardage, and its almost an exponential decrease in his chances for completion. He just needs to minimize that discrepancy between the two, or opponents will be able to scheme a defensive strategy against us easily (which I thought was exampled by the Panthers)
...One way to look at Rex's inconsistencies as a positive thing...at least the opposing defense could never get a clear idea of which Rex to expect and plan for...
c.) we should rarely NEED Orton to complete passes for large yardage chunks - all in a single quarter or two. If everything else goes to plan, we will never be in the position we found ourselves in. If there are no fumbles...if there is no 2nd half comebacks because our offense cant MINIMALLY put field goals up on the board...this shouldnt be an issue very often. Orton is more likely to be successful with long yardage pass plays if done THROUGHOUT the whole game - thrown in between some run plays and short yardage passes. WHICH we actually did quite a bit more than I initially thought would be done...early in the game. We opened up the vertical game and threw long passes every now and again...so that was good. Orton didnt complete them because they were TERRIBLY thrown with wide open receivers....but we tried them when we should have and thats a good thing...considering the normal coaching SOP which we have all come to know and love....AKA - stupidity.
If Orton cant make those long throws when they arent suspecting it...what in gods name made the coaches think he would suddenly be able to complete them when he ABSOLUTELY HAD to...with twice the pressure....i cant say. The game was over as soon as we NEEDED Orton to complete long passes, as far as I was concerned.
We will never win a game that we NEED our QB during...its a fact. The bears have to be able to win with little, or no, production from the pass game. If we go INTO every game knowing this...and preparing in this way...I think we can only be pleasantly surprised by our pass game. If you go into a game thinking the Bears are going to have a pass game like Philly - your an idiot.
It is just not going to happen. The fact is is that we should have never NEEDED to have a pass game that comes anywhere near to Philly's. We should have been in a situation where it was the Panther offense with the burden of chasing our methodical point increase. But we had nothing being methodically added...THATS what the problem was. We should have been walking away from each drive with minimally 3 points, as I saw it. Even with a 17 point spree by the Panthers, if we had been scoring just the minimum of what I thought should have been scored if it werent for costly mistakes...we would have won the game....granted - in usual Bear close-game technique.
So all in all - I guess what I'm saying is that if all of these HORRIBLE HORRIBLE mistakes made us lose to the Panthers in a close game by 3 points...if we limit, at the very least, the type of impact that our mistakes have, or if luck just treats us better in future occurances relative to the timing and nature of the mistakes...I think we win these types of games.
especially when you consider that Orton is still progressing...and perhaps someday will find himself better equipped to bail us out when we DO, ultimately, make mistakes....which are bound to happen....
I would argue however, that they are not often likely to happen again in the same unfortunate way they did in Week 2. Not impossible...but I would argue - unlikely.
Another obvious comment on the game was that it was sloppy. Penalties will dwindle - especially under Lovie...
I dont know what was going on...but of this I am almost certain - you will not see nearly as many penalties in a single game for the rest of the season. My guess is that Lovie considers the penalty situation during that game a blasphemy to his coaching values...and thus will not allow it to continue for long.
lets hope we have a good homecoming next weekend...thats all
DLP
2008 Regular Season Week 1 - Bears @ Colts
And I bet you thought that enough time had passed where maybe this e-mail would never come...but as Ms. Kulat (i dont think i have her name right) might have said, "by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes..." and this e-mail IS going to be wicked...wickedly long....so maybe try to take it all in during multiple sittings...
In case you havent heard...yes....the Bears beat the Colts....and, actually, pretty much had their way with them.
Now, I have heard all sorts of excuses - they came in unprepared because they underestimated us, Manning hadnt taken a snap prior to the game, blah blah blah.
The fact is that we beat them...and in such a fashion that it surprised even me...an avid BELIEVER in this team - whether it be logic behind the belief or not.
I respect Manning and all, but did anyone else find a strange pleasure in watching his competitive desperation flare up to more and more intense extremes? I thought it was hilarious. When I started feeling comfortably ahead on the scoreboard...is the exact moment that Peyton started unintelligibly mumbling to himself in despair...and to see him in that state....it was glorious.
So there are a couple of questions that were undoubtedly on the minds of Bears fans that can now be much more appropriately answered....it would seem. And I say "it would seem" because I feel that although we had a fantastic week 1, I think it would be an unfortunate misconception for one to believe that all subsequent weeks will have such favorable results.
The big question for most of the peasant, incredibly dumb and fickle bears fans, was the question at quarterback (and I HATE that this is considered the "main" question for the team...it has never been the biggest question, and most certainly is not one now).
The answer is clear. Orton is much better equipped to lead this team to successful results. I saw what I have always seen in Orton - confidence, leadership, defense comprehension, quick decision making, and incredible game management abilities.
But this is no longer simply a game manager for us...that is a terrible insult to Orton...one which he has had to innappropriately endure for far too long.
In case you are unaware, Orton has been consistent at quaterback for 3 years now when we allowed him to play. Seeing as consistency was always the goal for this team at that position (supposedly), it is completely unnacceptable that he was overlooked as the starter, and more importantly from my perspective, as even our number 2...and I am talking about last year with the Griese ridiculousness.
We cant do anything about decisions that were made in the past, but knowing what I know now about the terrible decision making that was taking place with regard to Orton's career with the Bears...you better believe that there will not be any discussion of any other QBs for the rest of this season...and at least from me...for any seasons in the near future.
Now, some of you are probably thinking back to last year and saying to yourself, "well Dan...werent you always a proponent of Grossman? You hypocrytical bastard? Speaking of fickle..."
and to that I would answer, fuck you. If that is your thought process, then you have misinterpreted my e-mails. Yes, I wanted Grossman in...OVER GRIESE....because GRIESE NEVER deserved to be number 2.
IF we were going to replace Grossman (and at the time I contended we shouldnt)...I was suggesting that GRIESE should not be the answer...and certainly that Orton needed to be playing.
So yes, I wanted Grossman in...because there was no chance of Orton coming in in his stead - being behind Griese on the depth chart.
Anyone who knows my Bears ideology can attest to the fact that I have never changed my viewpoint on the QB position. I have always stood firm that either Rex or Orton should start for this team, and the decision between those two should be made by the staff - people that see a lot more about them than stupid ass fans get to see for a couple of quarters on a sunday.
whomsoever was chosen between those two options would instantaneously enjoy my full support. So pretty much...unless you are Griese...you can play at QB for the Bears as far as Im concerned.
Grossman had the "good Rex" - exciting to watch, not very controlled, but high talent potential.
Orton had control, a calmness...he was always the safer bet. Who should be playing for us always depended (as far as I could tell) upon what the coaches were looking for...consistency and control, or inconsistency with potential for bigtime rewards.
From a coaching perspective, I think that there was an attraction to Rex's arm...and accuracy - his physical talent -- when compared to Orton's -- was considered to be more.
Orton was overwhelmingly better at control...making solid gametime decisions. As time went on, Orton progressed in physical talent and maintained his mental IQ for the game - if not progressing that as well.
Meanwhile, Rex's "good Rex" was seen less and less...and he was not progressing at all in the area of IQ and control. I think it became clear to the coaches that Rex would never bring the control that they needed to the game, and they were better off utilizing Orton's knack for control...and working on continuing his physical progression (which has seen incredible improvement).
I agree with this decision. As much as I have liked Rex, I have always liked Orton just as much for totally different reasons.
So that is that...if I hear anything about Hanie this year, or Rex again, I will seriously dismember my fanhood and no longer categorize myself with such unbelieveable idiots.
The biggest question for this team was, and has been for some time, the running game. That question was pretty clearly answered on Sunday.
Forte is our future...and we should be ecstatic to have him. If he can play half as well as he did in week 1 for the rest of the season, we will have been successful in our off season strategy.
That is all we need from him...just the tiniest bit of production. Give me production like this past Sundays?...I'll give you the keys to the city...
It was so great to watch...finally...real Bears football.
The team is designed to be successful when we can run...for me it was sweet deliciousness to see in action what I have believed all of this time. And that is "if only we would stop worrying about the QB and the pass game and start focusing on what this team SHOULD be all about...maybe we would start winning....or at least start winning because of something other than Hester and really great luck."
To me, we have started off the season right....perfectly really.
I have a renewed sense that coaching is, for now, on the right track (because they were not for a long time...I have had major issues with coaching decisions over the past couple of years).
As long as we can continue to run the ball, we will retain control over multiple facets of every game. And really, more than Forte, we have improvements in the O-line to thank for much of the change that was noticed during this game.
If the O-line can control the middle, and we DONT have a Benson running around like a fool with the ball, then everything else falls into place. Forte suddenly has holes.
The running success opens up the field vertically. the field can be stretched at will, and even better...only when necessary...perfect for a very controlled passing game with a smart QB like Orton at the helm.
If Orton gets comfortable, he is able to see the defense more clearly and remain calm, knowing that he can count on the running game not often putting him in difficult situations. Orton can start completing passes since the defense now has to consider the run. Orton gains confidence and his excitement flows through the team giving the offense an electricity that is rarely observed.
Meanwhile...the defense is resting...something that is key to THEIR success. With more energy for when they are finally needed...you get higher quality play...usually resulting in shortening their time on the field and getting the ball back for their offense.
With the offense most often on the field, Lovie primarily controls the game clock. With control of the game clock, underdog teams like the Bears have a chance at beating teams like the Colts....teams that count on a high powered offense to carry them, with the lead, to the end of the game.
By the way...these teams are many in the NFL and will most often be exactly the types of opponents faced in the playoffs...so we would do well to get there this year.
So does Forte solve all our problems? hardly...but he does not hurt this team...and his success or lack thereof in all future games will be the determining factor upon which we win or lose....make no mistake about it. It has almost nothing to do with Orton when comparing the value that any running back brings to THIS particular team...a team designed for the run...
This team can win with a run game and a decent defensive showing...the pass game is secondary and should only ever be icing.
What's really great about Forte is that he saved our ass in the fantasy league that I am in...I lost Brady and still somehow pulled out a win against McNabb and Westbrook on the opposing team...barely...but amazing all the same. Without a QB...ridiculous. honorable mentions to Willie Parker and Thomas jones...the other two reasons I stayed alive without Brady.
You want to hear a legendary fantasy week 1?...ask me about it sometime...for a fantasy virgin...it just got me addicted...
Back to reality though...what can we expect for week two...who do we play? Carolina? lets discuss...
DLP
In case you havent heard...yes....the Bears beat the Colts....and, actually, pretty much had their way with them.
Now, I have heard all sorts of excuses - they came in unprepared because they underestimated us, Manning hadnt taken a snap prior to the game, blah blah blah.
The fact is that we beat them...and in such a fashion that it surprised even me...an avid BELIEVER in this team - whether it be logic behind the belief or not.
I respect Manning and all, but did anyone else find a strange pleasure in watching his competitive desperation flare up to more and more intense extremes? I thought it was hilarious. When I started feeling comfortably ahead on the scoreboard...is the exact moment that Peyton started unintelligibly mumbling to himself in despair...and to see him in that state....it was glorious.
So there are a couple of questions that were undoubtedly on the minds of Bears fans that can now be much more appropriately answered....it would seem. And I say "it would seem" because I feel that although we had a fantastic week 1, I think it would be an unfortunate misconception for one to believe that all subsequent weeks will have such favorable results.
The big question for most of the peasant, incredibly dumb and fickle bears fans, was the question at quarterback (and I HATE that this is considered the "main" question for the team...it has never been the biggest question, and most certainly is not one now).
The answer is clear. Orton is much better equipped to lead this team to successful results. I saw what I have always seen in Orton - confidence, leadership, defense comprehension, quick decision making, and incredible game management abilities.
But this is no longer simply a game manager for us...that is a terrible insult to Orton...one which he has had to innappropriately endure for far too long.
In case you are unaware, Orton has been consistent at quaterback for 3 years now when we allowed him to play. Seeing as consistency was always the goal for this team at that position (supposedly), it is completely unnacceptable that he was overlooked as the starter, and more importantly from my perspective, as even our number 2...and I am talking about last year with the Griese ridiculousness.
We cant do anything about decisions that were made in the past, but knowing what I know now about the terrible decision making that was taking place with regard to Orton's career with the Bears...you better believe that there will not be any discussion of any other QBs for the rest of this season...and at least from me...for any seasons in the near future.
Now, some of you are probably thinking back to last year and saying to yourself, "well Dan...werent you always a proponent of Grossman? You hypocrytical bastard? Speaking of fickle..."
and to that I would answer, fuck you. If that is your thought process, then you have misinterpreted my e-mails. Yes, I wanted Grossman in...OVER GRIESE....because GRIESE NEVER deserved to be number 2.
IF we were going to replace Grossman (and at the time I contended we shouldnt)...I was suggesting that GRIESE should not be the answer...and certainly that Orton needed to be playing.
So yes, I wanted Grossman in...because there was no chance of Orton coming in in his stead - being behind Griese on the depth chart.
Anyone who knows my Bears ideology can attest to the fact that I have never changed my viewpoint on the QB position. I have always stood firm that either Rex or Orton should start for this team, and the decision between those two should be made by the staff - people that see a lot more about them than stupid ass fans get to see for a couple of quarters on a sunday.
whomsoever was chosen between those two options would instantaneously enjoy my full support. So pretty much...unless you are Griese...you can play at QB for the Bears as far as Im concerned.
Grossman had the "good Rex" - exciting to watch, not very controlled, but high talent potential.
Orton had control, a calmness...he was always the safer bet. Who should be playing for us always depended (as far as I could tell) upon what the coaches were looking for...consistency and control, or inconsistency with potential for bigtime rewards.
From a coaching perspective, I think that there was an attraction to Rex's arm...and accuracy - his physical talent -- when compared to Orton's -- was considered to be more.
Orton was overwhelmingly better at control...making solid gametime decisions. As time went on, Orton progressed in physical talent and maintained his mental IQ for the game - if not progressing that as well.
Meanwhile, Rex's "good Rex" was seen less and less...and he was not progressing at all in the area of IQ and control. I think it became clear to the coaches that Rex would never bring the control that they needed to the game, and they were better off utilizing Orton's knack for control...and working on continuing his physical progression (which has seen incredible improvement).
I agree with this decision. As much as I have liked Rex, I have always liked Orton just as much for totally different reasons.
So that is that...if I hear anything about Hanie this year, or Rex again, I will seriously dismember my fanhood and no longer categorize myself with such unbelieveable idiots.
The biggest question for this team was, and has been for some time, the running game. That question was pretty clearly answered on Sunday.
Forte is our future...and we should be ecstatic to have him. If he can play half as well as he did in week 1 for the rest of the season, we will have been successful in our off season strategy.
That is all we need from him...just the tiniest bit of production. Give me production like this past Sundays?...I'll give you the keys to the city...
It was so great to watch...finally...real Bears football.
The team is designed to be successful when we can run...for me it was sweet deliciousness to see in action what I have believed all of this time. And that is "if only we would stop worrying about the QB and the pass game and start focusing on what this team SHOULD be all about...maybe we would start winning....or at least start winning because of something other than Hester and really great luck."
To me, we have started off the season right....perfectly really.
I have a renewed sense that coaching is, for now, on the right track (because they were not for a long time...I have had major issues with coaching decisions over the past couple of years).
As long as we can continue to run the ball, we will retain control over multiple facets of every game. And really, more than Forte, we have improvements in the O-line to thank for much of the change that was noticed during this game.
If the O-line can control the middle, and we DONT have a Benson running around like a fool with the ball, then everything else falls into place. Forte suddenly has holes.
The running success opens up the field vertically. the field can be stretched at will, and even better...only when necessary...perfect for a very controlled passing game with a smart QB like Orton at the helm.
If Orton gets comfortable, he is able to see the defense more clearly and remain calm, knowing that he can count on the running game not often putting him in difficult situations. Orton can start completing passes since the defense now has to consider the run. Orton gains confidence and his excitement flows through the team giving the offense an electricity that is rarely observed.
Meanwhile...the defense is resting...something that is key to THEIR success. With more energy for when they are finally needed...you get higher quality play...usually resulting in shortening their time on the field and getting the ball back for their offense.
With the offense most often on the field, Lovie primarily controls the game clock. With control of the game clock, underdog teams like the Bears have a chance at beating teams like the Colts....teams that count on a high powered offense to carry them, with the lead, to the end of the game.
By the way...these teams are many in the NFL and will most often be exactly the types of opponents faced in the playoffs...so we would do well to get there this year.
So does Forte solve all our problems? hardly...but he does not hurt this team...and his success or lack thereof in all future games will be the determining factor upon which we win or lose....make no mistake about it. It has almost nothing to do with Orton when comparing the value that any running back brings to THIS particular team...a team designed for the run...
This team can win with a run game and a decent defensive showing...the pass game is secondary and should only ever be icing.
What's really great about Forte is that he saved our ass in the fantasy league that I am in...I lost Brady and still somehow pulled out a win against McNabb and Westbrook on the opposing team...barely...but amazing all the same. Without a QB...ridiculous. honorable mentions to Willie Parker and Thomas jones...the other two reasons I stayed alive without Brady.
You want to hear a legendary fantasy week 1?...ask me about it sometime...for a fantasy virgin...it just got me addicted...
Back to reality though...what can we expect for week two...who do we play? Carolina? lets discuss...
DLP
Longest threat/insult Contest...
Alright guys...I think I may have something here...
So on my way to work today, I evidently cut off a young man who had a bit of a road rage problem. He apparently decided to follow me until we were both at a junction where he was able to drive up next to my driver side window. He proceeded to politely ask me to roll down my window, and then when I performed his request, he immediately began to threaten me with the longest threat I have ever heard in my life.
Just when I thought he was done, it continued for 30 seconds longer...and then again - a second time.
By the end of this excruciatingly long threat, the stoplight had just changed and we were being honked at...so I looked at him curiously and said simply, "fuck you man," rolled up my window, and continued on my way...it was awesome.
But soon after, I became a little sour that I did not have my chance to come back at him with an outrageously lengthy threat of my own.
It was especially discouraging because I knew that I could have made it much better than his - which went a little something like this, "I am going to break your head with the handle of a broomstick that I pulled from your mothers cunt and then fuck you in the hole that it made... until your brains spill out all over the asphault...and then I'll pee on it and shit all over your peice of shit car...and then I'll rip your asshole out of your mouth and stuff donuts into it until you shit out of your dick...ect.,"
Most of this I actually just made up myself because I cannot accurately paraphrase what was said. Remember, this was an unexpected situation - I thought he was going to tell me that my tail light was out or something....not exactly what followed as you can see.
To help alleviate some of my frustration with not being able to verbally let loose on a bitch ass...I thought it might be interesting to start up a little contest to see who could come up with the longest and most mentally destructive threat/insult that you could.
The idea here is not necessarily for it to be the longest -- anyone can fill up a couple of paragraphs with a bunch of ranting explitives. The key here is mental damage...a threat that would simply incapacitate the verbal victim from ever uttering a response that even comes close to being as awesome. Leaving the victim speechless...that is the goal.
So...I will start...
Now, this is not the best I can do (I have to allow you guys a chance to one-up me, so I'll start you guys off at the rookie level, and depending on how good you guys seem to do, I will up my game accordingly).
My inspiration for this first threat is a messed up independent film that I downloaded... and that Nestor and I watched a part of this weekend. This movie was messed up - so much so that I have not yet been able to finish it.
The threat strays a bit from the movie events...but it starts where Nestor and I left off....castration. (The movie is called Hard Candy if anyone is interested...but before you watch...please just know that you will experience extraordinary amounts of ball pain throughout....it is MESSED up.)
Here goes...
I am going to have you castrated…and jar your testes…
Then…
I will kick you in your recently castrated and jarred balls… then put them in the back of a wagon that is continuously traveling across bumpy terrain. After being jumbled and bounced for a minimum of 10 hours, the jar will be shot out of a cannon directly at a concrete wall on the inner side of an LA penitentiary. The small chunks of testicle will then be collected by a strange serial killer that often strolls through the recreation area. Each piece will then be meticulously melted on a spoon by the serial killer.... and the liquefied testicle that remains will be poured into three small containers.
One container will be shipped to Brazil where it will be used as lubricant for an infectious whore about to pleasure your own father enjoying a “business trip”.
The second will be shipped to the king of France who loves to use the burned testicle juice in his own line of perfume called “Pauve ti Nutte”.
The third container will be delivered to a Chinese restaurant and served as the primary ingredient in their popular dish “Cream of som yung gai”, which I will then forcefully feed to you making airplane noises as I spoon it to your lips...you fucking shit ass cunt dick uterous faced fag licker.
HAHAHA...a little complex perhaps...room for improvement...but you get the idea.
Thats pretty much just like the threat of this crazy road rage problem dude this morning. Ridiculous...
See if you can top that you guys.
DLP
-----------------------------
My friend Kuch responds to the call for competition...
"Wow...and I am speechless.
Leave it me to wait until DLP starts a misanthropy contest instead of a sports tourney to jump in on this online verbal goatfuck. "Goatfuck" of course courtesy of No Country for Old Men, a movie put together by two brothers whose joint efforts produce dialogue that Quentin Tarantino stutters in eulogizing, intensity that makes Martin Scorsese start dribbling at the mouth, and gore that eats Roberto Rodriguez up inside. I say that in addition to an original insult contest, we bring in the best lines from the movies, shows, and porno rags that fill our imaginations. I'm just going to leave my contribution to the movie genre at "goatfuck," which is pretty weak, considering that it's just a contemptuous reference to a drug deal mess-up, but I'm sure that someone else will pick up the flag and carry it onwards.
Back to what left me speechless for a couple clicks of the enter key:
"The third container will be delivered to a Chinese restaurant and served as the primary ingredient in their popular dish "Cream of som yung gai", which I will then forcefully feed to you making airplane noises as I spoon it to your lips."
Before that I wasn't really caring what happened to my balls anymore, they already having been severed from my person, but when they were liquified into an MSG-based sauce and reinserted into my throat, well, that hurt.
Also "uterous faced" is rough, right up there with an advice columnist's reference to the female chu-chu as a piece of canned ham dropped from a high building. Just not the stuff that I want to read at 7 PM right as I'm getting hungry.
I think that this insult contest is a great idea, especially since sooner or later we're going to get stressed out in our professional or amateur lives and need a database of diatribe to spew all over the face of the next pickled pig's foot of a middle manager who fucks with us, hopefully resulting in a complete catharsis for both parties.
Despite the tone of this e-mail, my actual insults for this little competition are short, gutteral one-liners sans humor that spit on the possibility of grace:
"I won't waste saliva on your face."
"You are like a child whose God is whatever someone tells it."
"Dude, you are so shallow that I could fill your soul with an eyedropper."
"Whomsoever is your friend is a sycophant and those who love you, pathetic."
"Go on, prove you're not senile."
"You were born like a dog and you'll die like one."
Kuch"
-----------------
And I was forced to respond...
"I think I have to return the "wow" in your direction, Kuch. I dont know what I expected from you...but that wasnt it.
Your vocabulary alone makes me laugh...mix in a couple of seemingly out of place "goatfucks", and you have yourself a hilarious little verbal cocktail.
I have to admit that I am forced to use your sentence context to understand the definition of some of the words you use... misanthropy is a good example...diatribe....catharsis....you smart little uncle of a shit-chasm.
I love it cause I'm dumb. It makes me feel smart that I know people that are smart...is that weird? ...or should I ask, is it peculiar? perhaps bizarre? (thats my attempt at coming up with smarter sounding words...)
I like your idea of bringing solid movie lines into the mix. Personally, I dont have the memory for it, but I know some guys that do. Mmmbahkus? MElens - you know some weird shit? Murph probably has some good Bruce Willis or Nick Cage lines...haha. Yippie-Ki-yay mother fuckers...
I must say, Kuch, the imagery of your "canned ham" comment...thats gold. What columns are you reading?? and what kind of child abuse did the writer endure that resulted in that perception of female genitals? And why is he giving advice? And most important of all....are you taking it? What a scary world this is if you are. I dont know that I would ever see a vagina and think..."hmmm... canned ham falling from the sky...brilliant! I'm going to save that for my next column!" Maybe I'm just simple minded...
Although, I am thouroughly entertained by your "gutteral one-liners," I have to admit, that if you threatened me with any of those in real life...I would not be daunted.
I think, I would at first find it funny...in the way that I might find a cow "mooing" in despair before coming face to face with the slaughter hammer might be funny.
I would fucking kiiiillllll someone for saying any of those to me, not because they are that hurtful, or because I found such dishonor in them, but merely because if you can say the following phrase,
"Whomsoever is your friend is a sycophant and those who love you, pathetic."
...chances are, I can beat the living shit out of you.
Easy pickins....I would almost see it as a duty to break your jaw and give you a permanent dork lisp to correspond to your dorky attempt at being a badass. A threat like that, is less of a threat, and more of an invitation for someone to smash your face...and feel great about it.
There's probably no greater feeling than having some smart ass talk some shit, highlight the fact that they are secretly a pussy by speaking with perfect grammar, and KNOW...right at that moment...you have a free pass to making sure that brain damage brings that clever little bitch back down to your level.
Thats evolution....thats natures way....always keeping things competitive.
Now, obviously I realize that in reality, my little castration speech would probably result in a similar response. And if it was the point of these e-mails to come up with truly deterring threats...they wouldnt be nearly as funny.
So dont get me wrong, that fact is not lost on me and thus I still appreciate your threat offerings....but that doesnt mean I am not still concerned for your safety.
Please just promise me that you wont ACTUALLY try any of those on people. In fact, Kuch, just dont try to talk shit to anyone...unless its your little cousin or something...no one that weighs more than a labradoodle.
So, as Kuch is the first responder to this call to competition, I have realized that I have failed to think about the details therein.
I realized that in order for a competition to truly exist, there must be some sort of evaluation process.
Being a big believer in the fundamentals of democracy, I think I have to put it up to a vote.
Here is the problem...As is true in real life...I am almost positive that not everyone will actually take the time to play the role of judge...thus I will retain the control of ultimate judgement, acting as dictator of the competition in the likely scenario where not enough votes are being provided to determine a clear winner.
I would argue that my resume in smack talking is a bit limited for me to deserve such a role, however, I consider myself to be a fair person and will try to bring that to this responsibility. Like the emergency exit seat in an airplane, this is a responsibility that I dont necessarily want, but I will perform if necessary.
Here's the judging rules....
provide a number between 1 and 10 - 1 being the worst, 10 being the best....Olympic games style. You are going to be judging on the following qualities:
-overall comedic value of the e-mail
-originality of threat
-inappropriateness of threat
-capacity for real-world usage
-style points
If, as in the scenario that Kuch has provided, you decide to include a compilation of threats, that is perfectly acceptable.
The judgement should be made upon the compilation. Really - the e-mail itself should judged, not necessarily the threats themselves...more how they are laid out, or introduced...and finally presented. (pretty much the only reason Kuch got higher than a 1 from me)
You may feel free to comment, as I have here, to affect other peoples voting. Voting alliances are acceptable (and if you dont want me to win...suggested)
Since, from my perspective, Kuch has proven that he needs to remain at the rookie level, I do not yet feel the need to compose a new threat. Lets see what kind of votes come back and if there are any others with a competitive spirit...
Kuch - I give you a 6. Feel free to give it another shot though. I want to see more "prolapsed sock of an asshole" type shit out of you...
You dont hear constructive criticism like that very often...
Later,
DLP"
-------------------------------
And Kuch's rebuttle to my judgment....
"Alright, I gotta defend myself. Sort of.
DLPs right, the following are weak shit:
"I won't waste saliva on your face."
"Whomsoever is your friend is a sycophant and those who love you, pathetic."
I was crunched on time for them, but it's no excuse. They're pretty bitchy, high-toned comments. Not hard to envision the context in which I imagined them, and why they're a little weak: in the sort of situation in which they'd be said, words aren't really going to matter much. Unless they're personal, like "You know the way that you still suck your thumb while you sleep and your favorite "get-it-on" mix is a compilation of old 70's folk music? It's cause you want to get fucked by your dad. You know, the ex-hippie pediatrician. Go on, think about it. You know it's true. All you can think about while we fuck is a patch of silver gray chest hair rubbing against your nostrils."
Now, I'm going to admit that the other ones aren't going to make anyone say anything other than "huh?" at a traffic stop. You don't say them unless you've got a real reason because they're not insults, they're judgments. Final words that you say to people you know, or are at least pretending to know via stereotype or something. The verbal equivalent of a shim beneath the armpit, something you don't say unless it's going to be the last thing you say to that person, either because you're actually shoving a sharpened toothbrush into their hairy greco-roman ribcage or your train is leaving fast, because it's only going to end one way if one of you doesn't get the fuck outta there.
"You are like a child whose God is whatever someone tells it."
"Dude, you are so shallow that I could fill your soul with an eyedropper."
"Go on, prove you're not senile."
"You were born like a dog and you'll die like one."
The last one is maybe the only one that is really and truly good, one I actually fantasized about using various versions of it when people tried to cheat me in Peru, which happened about fifty times a day.
Instead of taking the time to sort shit out with them after say, getting back the wrong change, just look at it, go, "huh, so you cheated me out of thirty-three cents on a cup of coffee. Ah well, I know it's hard out there" (you put a sort of sad smile on our face) "the education system is fucked, no integrity anywhere. You might say that you're actually not that bad of a guy, considering the garbage smelling filth you have for countrymen. It's almost like you're something higher than the maggoty mess of cum-rot that populates this place. Yeah," (make smile wider) "you were born like a dog. And if you're not corrupted, you'll die like one." And then walk off, perhaps into a swanky restaurant where meals are $10 per plate, twice more than most Peruvians earn in a day. No one will love you for what you've said, but if you want to talk about mental damage inflicted, it's high up on the scale.
Kuch"
-----------------------
And my response.....
"Kuch,
I'm glad you did defend yourself...because I feel like I did just pick out your worst one and fuck you in the ass with it. I agree with your self evaluation actually.
After your explanations, I wish to retract my previous score on these.
"...patch of silver gray chest hair rubbing against your nostrils." <--- that has a little something to do with it. You are ridiculous....I love it.
That is the most disgusting image I have ever reluctantly forced upon myself.
"shoving a sharpened toothbrush into their hairy greco-roman ribcage" <---another element adding to your eventual high score
The truth is, I really liked your "soul/eyedropper" one, although I still believe that it is haunted by the same problem as your "whomsoever" category...in that it is a tad geeky...but its got a threatening charm about it. Like maybe you should be scared of someone that might say something like that, not because they can physically back up a comment like that, but because they could go to their science lab and cook up a chemical concoction that could burn your face off.
Ohhhhh, and I love the theatrical spin you put on your "dog" insult. Thats going to please the judges. I'm not going to lie...you fantasize about some weird shit...but I like it. Thats what I was expecting out of you Kuch.
I give you a true 8.35.
That puts you in second after Bouch...(based on my votes only....I dont know why no one else is voting...lets get some commentarty on this shit peoples....Do you really want Bouch to win with a "you smell like wheat" insult?).
DLP"
So on my way to work today, I evidently cut off a young man who had a bit of a road rage problem. He apparently decided to follow me until we were both at a junction where he was able to drive up next to my driver side window. He proceeded to politely ask me to roll down my window, and then when I performed his request, he immediately began to threaten me with the longest threat I have ever heard in my life.
Just when I thought he was done, it continued for 30 seconds longer...and then again - a second time.
By the end of this excruciatingly long threat, the stoplight had just changed and we were being honked at...so I looked at him curiously and said simply, "fuck you man," rolled up my window, and continued on my way...it was awesome.
But soon after, I became a little sour that I did not have my chance to come back at him with an outrageously lengthy threat of my own.
It was especially discouraging because I knew that I could have made it much better than his - which went a little something like this, "I am going to break your head with the handle of a broomstick that I pulled from your mothers cunt and then fuck you in the hole that it made... until your brains spill out all over the asphault...and then I'll pee on it and shit all over your peice of shit car...and then I'll rip your asshole out of your mouth and stuff donuts into it until you shit out of your dick...ect.,"
Most of this I actually just made up myself because I cannot accurately paraphrase what was said. Remember, this was an unexpected situation - I thought he was going to tell me that my tail light was out or something....not exactly what followed as you can see.
To help alleviate some of my frustration with not being able to verbally let loose on a bitch ass...I thought it might be interesting to start up a little contest to see who could come up with the longest and most mentally destructive threat/insult that you could.
The idea here is not necessarily for it to be the longest -- anyone can fill up a couple of paragraphs with a bunch of ranting explitives. The key here is mental damage...a threat that would simply incapacitate the verbal victim from ever uttering a response that even comes close to being as awesome. Leaving the victim speechless...that is the goal.
So...I will start...
Now, this is not the best I can do (I have to allow you guys a chance to one-up me, so I'll start you guys off at the rookie level, and depending on how good you guys seem to do, I will up my game accordingly).
My inspiration for this first threat is a messed up independent film that I downloaded... and that Nestor and I watched a part of this weekend. This movie was messed up - so much so that I have not yet been able to finish it.
The threat strays a bit from the movie events...but it starts where Nestor and I left off....castration. (The movie is called Hard Candy if anyone is interested...but before you watch...please just know that you will experience extraordinary amounts of ball pain throughout....it is MESSED up.)
Here goes...
I am going to have you castrated…and jar your testes…
Then…
I will kick you in your recently castrated and jarred balls… then put them in the back of a wagon that is continuously traveling across bumpy terrain. After being jumbled and bounced for a minimum of 10 hours, the jar will be shot out of a cannon directly at a concrete wall on the inner side of an LA penitentiary. The small chunks of testicle will then be collected by a strange serial killer that often strolls through the recreation area. Each piece will then be meticulously melted on a spoon by the serial killer.... and the liquefied testicle that remains will be poured into three small containers.
One container will be shipped to Brazil where it will be used as lubricant for an infectious whore about to pleasure your own father enjoying a “business trip”.
The second will be shipped to the king of France who loves to use the burned testicle juice in his own line of perfume called “Pauve ti Nutte”.
The third container will be delivered to a Chinese restaurant and served as the primary ingredient in their popular dish “Cream of som yung gai”, which I will then forcefully feed to you making airplane noises as I spoon it to your lips...you fucking shit ass cunt dick uterous faced fag licker.
HAHAHA...a little complex perhaps...room for improvement...but you get the idea.
Thats pretty much just like the threat of this crazy road rage problem dude this morning. Ridiculous...
See if you can top that you guys.
DLP
-----------------------------
My friend Kuch responds to the call for competition...
"Wow...and I am speechless.
Leave it me to wait until DLP starts a misanthropy contest instead of a sports tourney to jump in on this online verbal goatfuck. "Goatfuck" of course courtesy of No Country for Old Men, a movie put together by two brothers whose joint efforts produce dialogue that Quentin Tarantino stutters in eulogizing, intensity that makes Martin Scorsese start dribbling at the mouth, and gore that eats Roberto Rodriguez up inside. I say that in addition to an original insult contest, we bring in the best lines from the movies, shows, and porno rags that fill our imaginations. I'm just going to leave my contribution to the movie genre at "goatfuck," which is pretty weak, considering that it's just a contemptuous reference to a drug deal mess-up, but I'm sure that someone else will pick up the flag and carry it onwards.
Back to what left me speechless for a couple clicks of the enter key:
"The third container will be delivered to a Chinese restaurant and served as the primary ingredient in their popular dish "Cream of som yung gai", which I will then forcefully feed to you making airplane noises as I spoon it to your lips."
Before that I wasn't really caring what happened to my balls anymore, they already having been severed from my person, but when they were liquified into an MSG-based sauce and reinserted into my throat, well, that hurt.
Also "uterous faced" is rough, right up there with an advice columnist's reference to the female chu-chu as a piece of canned ham dropped from a high building. Just not the stuff that I want to read at 7 PM right as I'm getting hungry.
I think that this insult contest is a great idea, especially since sooner or later we're going to get stressed out in our professional or amateur lives and need a database of diatribe to spew all over the face of the next pickled pig's foot of a middle manager who fucks with us, hopefully resulting in a complete catharsis for both parties.
Despite the tone of this e-mail, my actual insults for this little competition are short, gutteral one-liners sans humor that spit on the possibility of grace:
"I won't waste saliva on your face."
"You are like a child whose God is whatever someone tells it."
"Dude, you are so shallow that I could fill your soul with an eyedropper."
"Whomsoever is your friend is a sycophant and those who love you, pathetic."
"Go on, prove you're not senile."
"You were born like a dog and you'll die like one."
Kuch"
-----------------
And I was forced to respond...
"I think I have to return the "wow" in your direction, Kuch. I dont know what I expected from you...but that wasnt it.
Your vocabulary alone makes me laugh...mix in a couple of seemingly out of place "goatfucks", and you have yourself a hilarious little verbal cocktail.
I have to admit that I am forced to use your sentence context to understand the definition of some of the words you use... misanthropy is a good example...diatribe....catharsis....you smart little uncle of a shit-chasm.
I love it cause I'm dumb. It makes me feel smart that I know people that are smart...is that weird? ...or should I ask, is it peculiar? perhaps bizarre? (thats my attempt at coming up with smarter sounding words...)
I like your idea of bringing solid movie lines into the mix. Personally, I dont have the memory for it, but I know some guys that do. Mmmbahkus? MElens - you know some weird shit? Murph probably has some good Bruce Willis or Nick Cage lines...haha. Yippie-Ki-yay mother fuckers...
I must say, Kuch, the imagery of your "canned ham" comment...thats gold. What columns are you reading?? and what kind of child abuse did the writer endure that resulted in that perception of female genitals? And why is he giving advice? And most important of all....are you taking it? What a scary world this is if you are. I dont know that I would ever see a vagina and think..."hmmm... canned ham falling from the sky...brilliant! I'm going to save that for my next column!" Maybe I'm just simple minded...
Although, I am thouroughly entertained by your "gutteral one-liners," I have to admit, that if you threatened me with any of those in real life...I would not be daunted.
I think, I would at first find it funny...in the way that I might find a cow "mooing" in despair before coming face to face with the slaughter hammer might be funny.
I would fucking kiiiillllll someone for saying any of those to me, not because they are that hurtful, or because I found such dishonor in them, but merely because if you can say the following phrase,
"Whomsoever is your friend is a sycophant and those who love you, pathetic."
...chances are, I can beat the living shit out of you.
Easy pickins....I would almost see it as a duty to break your jaw and give you a permanent dork lisp to correspond to your dorky attempt at being a badass. A threat like that, is less of a threat, and more of an invitation for someone to smash your face...and feel great about it.
There's probably no greater feeling than having some smart ass talk some shit, highlight the fact that they are secretly a pussy by speaking with perfect grammar, and KNOW...right at that moment...you have a free pass to making sure that brain damage brings that clever little bitch back down to your level.
Thats evolution....thats natures way....always keeping things competitive.
Now, obviously I realize that in reality, my little castration speech would probably result in a similar response. And if it was the point of these e-mails to come up with truly deterring threats...they wouldnt be nearly as funny.
So dont get me wrong, that fact is not lost on me and thus I still appreciate your threat offerings....but that doesnt mean I am not still concerned for your safety.
Please just promise me that you wont ACTUALLY try any of those on people. In fact, Kuch, just dont try to talk shit to anyone...unless its your little cousin or something...no one that weighs more than a labradoodle.
So, as Kuch is the first responder to this call to competition, I have realized that I have failed to think about the details therein.
I realized that in order for a competition to truly exist, there must be some sort of evaluation process.
Being a big believer in the fundamentals of democracy, I think I have to put it up to a vote.
Here is the problem...As is true in real life...I am almost positive that not everyone will actually take the time to play the role of judge...thus I will retain the control of ultimate judgement, acting as dictator of the competition in the likely scenario where not enough votes are being provided to determine a clear winner.
I would argue that my resume in smack talking is a bit limited for me to deserve such a role, however, I consider myself to be a fair person and will try to bring that to this responsibility. Like the emergency exit seat in an airplane, this is a responsibility that I dont necessarily want, but I will perform if necessary.
Here's the judging rules....
provide a number between 1 and 10 - 1 being the worst, 10 being the best....Olympic games style. You are going to be judging on the following qualities:
-overall comedic value of the e-mail
-originality of threat
-inappropriateness of threat
-capacity for real-world usage
-style points
If, as in the scenario that Kuch has provided, you decide to include a compilation of threats, that is perfectly acceptable.
The judgement should be made upon the compilation. Really - the e-mail itself should judged, not necessarily the threats themselves...more how they are laid out, or introduced...and finally presented. (pretty much the only reason Kuch got higher than a 1 from me)
You may feel free to comment, as I have here, to affect other peoples voting. Voting alliances are acceptable (and if you dont want me to win...suggested)
Since, from my perspective, Kuch has proven that he needs to remain at the rookie level, I do not yet feel the need to compose a new threat. Lets see what kind of votes come back and if there are any others with a competitive spirit...
Kuch - I give you a 6. Feel free to give it another shot though. I want to see more "prolapsed sock of an asshole" type shit out of you...
You dont hear constructive criticism like that very often...
Later,
DLP"
-------------------------------
And Kuch's rebuttle to my judgment....
"Alright, I gotta defend myself. Sort of.
DLPs right, the following are weak shit:
"I won't waste saliva on your face."
"Whomsoever is your friend is a sycophant and those who love you, pathetic."
I was crunched on time for them, but it's no excuse. They're pretty bitchy, high-toned comments. Not hard to envision the context in which I imagined them, and why they're a little weak: in the sort of situation in which they'd be said, words aren't really going to matter much. Unless they're personal, like "You know the way that you still suck your thumb while you sleep and your favorite "get-it-on" mix is a compilation of old 70's folk music? It's cause you want to get fucked by your dad. You know, the ex-hippie pediatrician. Go on, think about it. You know it's true. All you can think about while we fuck is a patch of silver gray chest hair rubbing against your nostrils."
Now, I'm going to admit that the other ones aren't going to make anyone say anything other than "huh?" at a traffic stop. You don't say them unless you've got a real reason because they're not insults, they're judgments. Final words that you say to people you know, or are at least pretending to know via stereotype or something. The verbal equivalent of a shim beneath the armpit, something you don't say unless it's going to be the last thing you say to that person, either because you're actually shoving a sharpened toothbrush into their hairy greco-roman ribcage or your train is leaving fast, because it's only going to end one way if one of you doesn't get the fuck outta there.
"You are like a child whose God is whatever someone tells it."
"Dude, you are so shallow that I could fill your soul with an eyedropper."
"Go on, prove you're not senile."
"You were born like a dog and you'll die like one."
The last one is maybe the only one that is really and truly good, one I actually fantasized about using various versions of it when people tried to cheat me in Peru, which happened about fifty times a day.
Instead of taking the time to sort shit out with them after say, getting back the wrong change, just look at it, go, "huh, so you cheated me out of thirty-three cents on a cup of coffee. Ah well, I know it's hard out there" (you put a sort of sad smile on our face) "the education system is fucked, no integrity anywhere. You might say that you're actually not that bad of a guy, considering the garbage smelling filth you have for countrymen. It's almost like you're something higher than the maggoty mess of cum-rot that populates this place. Yeah," (make smile wider) "you were born like a dog. And if you're not corrupted, you'll die like one." And then walk off, perhaps into a swanky restaurant where meals are $10 per plate, twice more than most Peruvians earn in a day. No one will love you for what you've said, but if you want to talk about mental damage inflicted, it's high up on the scale.
Kuch"
-----------------------
And my response.....
"Kuch,
I'm glad you did defend yourself...because I feel like I did just pick out your worst one and fuck you in the ass with it. I agree with your self evaluation actually.
After your explanations, I wish to retract my previous score on these.
"...patch of silver gray chest hair rubbing against your nostrils." <--- that has a little something to do with it. You are ridiculous....I love it.
That is the most disgusting image I have ever reluctantly forced upon myself.
"shoving a sharpened toothbrush into their hairy greco-roman ribcage" <---another element adding to your eventual high score
The truth is, I really liked your "soul/eyedropper" one, although I still believe that it is haunted by the same problem as your "whomsoever" category...in that it is a tad geeky...but its got a threatening charm about it. Like maybe you should be scared of someone that might say something like that, not because they can physically back up a comment like that, but because they could go to their science lab and cook up a chemical concoction that could burn your face off.
Ohhhhh, and I love the theatrical spin you put on your "dog" insult. Thats going to please the judges. I'm not going to lie...you fantasize about some weird shit...but I like it. Thats what I was expecting out of you Kuch.
I give you a true 8.35.
That puts you in second after Bouch...(based on my votes only....I dont know why no one else is voting...lets get some commentarty on this shit peoples....Do you really want Bouch to win with a "you smell like wheat" insult?).
DLP"
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