Longest threat/insult Contest...

Alright guys...I think I may have something here...

So on my way to work today, I evidently cut off a young man who had a bit of a road rage problem. He apparently decided to follow me until we were both at a junction where he was able to drive up next to my driver side window. He proceeded to politely ask me to roll down my window, and then when I performed his request, he immediately began to threaten me with the longest threat I have ever heard in my life.

Just when I thought he was done, it continued for 30 seconds longer...and then again - a second time.

By the end of this excruciatingly long threat, the stoplight had just changed and we were being honked at...so I looked at him curiously and said simply, "fuck you man," rolled up my window, and continued on my way...it was awesome.

But soon after, I became a little sour that I did not have my chance to come back at him with an outrageously lengthy threat of my own.

It was especially discouraging because I knew that I could have made it much better than his - which went a little something like this, "I am going to break your head with the handle of a broomstick that I pulled from your mothers cunt and then fuck you in the hole that it made... until your brains spill out all over the asphault...and then I'll pee on it and shit all over your peice of shit car...and then I'll rip your asshole out of your mouth and stuff donuts into it until you shit out of your dick...ect.,"

Most of this I actually just made up myself because I cannot accurately paraphrase what was said. Remember, this was an unexpected situation - I thought he was going to tell me that my tail light was out or something....not exactly what followed as you can see.

To help alleviate some of my frustration with not being able to verbally let loose on a bitch ass...I thought it might be interesting to start up a little contest to see who could come up with the longest and most mentally destructive threat/insult that you could.

The idea here is not necessarily for it to be the longest -- anyone can fill up a couple of paragraphs with a bunch of ranting explitives. The key here is mental damage...a threat that would simply incapacitate the verbal victim from ever uttering a response that even comes close to being as awesome. Leaving the victim speechless...that is the goal.

So...I will start...

Now, this is not the best I can do (I have to allow you guys a chance to one-up me, so I'll start you guys off at the rookie level, and depending on how good you guys seem to do, I will up my game accordingly).

My inspiration for this first threat is a messed up independent film that I downloaded... and that Nestor and I watched a part of this weekend. This movie was messed up - so much so that I have not yet been able to finish it.

The threat strays a bit from the movie events...but it starts where Nestor and I left off....castration. (The movie is called Hard Candy if anyone is interested...but before you watch...please just know that you will experience extraordinary amounts of ball pain throughout....it is MESSED up.)

Here goes...


I am going to have you castrated…and jar your testes…

Then…

I will kick you in your recently castrated and jarred balls… then put them in the back of a wagon that is continuously traveling across bumpy terrain. After being jumbled and bounced for a minimum of 10 hours, the jar will be shot out of a cannon directly at a concrete wall on the inner side of an LA penitentiary. The small chunks of testicle will then be collected by a strange serial killer that often strolls through the recreation area. Each piece will then be meticulously melted on a spoon by the serial killer.... and the liquefied testicle that remains will be poured into three small containers.
One container will be shipped to Brazil where it will be used as lubricant for an infectious whore about to pleasure your own father enjoying a “business trip”.
The second will be shipped to the king of France who loves to use the burned testicle juice in his own line of perfume called “Pauve ti Nutte”.
The third container will be delivered to a Chinese restaurant and served as the primary ingredient in their popular dish “Cream of som yung gai”, which I will then forcefully feed to you making airplane noises as I spoon it to your lips...you fucking shit ass cunt dick uterous faced fag licker.



HAHAHA...a little complex perhaps...room for improvement...but you get the idea.

Thats pretty much just like the threat of this crazy road rage problem dude this morning. Ridiculous...


See if you can top that you guys.


DLP


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My friend Kuch responds to the call for competition...

"Wow...and I am speechless.

Leave it me to wait until DLP starts a misanthropy contest instead of a sports tourney to jump in on this online verbal goatfuck. "Goatfuck" of course courtesy of No Country for Old Men, a movie put together by two brothers whose joint efforts produce dialogue that Quentin Tarantino stutters in eulogizing, intensity that makes Martin Scorsese start dribbling at the mouth, and gore that eats Roberto Rodriguez up inside. I say that in addition to an original insult contest, we bring in the best lines from the movies, shows, and porno rags that fill our imaginations. I'm just going to leave my contribution to the movie genre at "goatfuck," which is pretty weak, considering that it's just a contemptuous reference to a drug deal mess-up, but I'm sure that someone else will pick up the flag and carry it onwards.

Back to what left me speechless for a couple clicks of the enter key:

"The third container will be delivered to a Chinese restaurant and served as the primary ingredient in their popular dish "Cream of som yung gai", which I will then forcefully feed to you making airplane noises as I spoon it to your lips."

Before that I wasn't really caring what happened to my balls anymore, they already having been severed from my person, but when they were liquified into an MSG-based sauce and reinserted into my throat, well, that hurt.

Also "uterous faced" is rough, right up there with an advice columnist's reference to the female chu-chu as a piece of canned ham dropped from a high building. Just not the stuff that I want to read at 7 PM right as I'm getting hungry.

I think that this insult contest is a great idea, especially since sooner or later we're going to get stressed out in our professional or amateur lives and need a database of diatribe to spew all over the face of the next pickled pig's foot of a middle manager who fucks with us, hopefully resulting in a complete catharsis for both parties.

Despite the tone of this e-mail, my actual insults for this little competition are short, gutteral one-liners sans humor that spit on the possibility of grace:

"I won't waste saliva on your face."
"You are like a child whose God is whatever someone tells it."
"Dude, you are so shallow that I could fill your soul with an eyedropper."
"Whomsoever is your friend is a sycophant and those who love you, pathetic."
"Go on, prove you're not senile."
"You were born like a dog and you'll die like one."

Kuch"

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And I was forced to respond...

"I think I have to return the "wow" in your direction, Kuch. I dont know what I expected from you...but that wasnt it.

Your vocabulary alone makes me laugh...mix in a couple of seemingly out of place "goatfucks", and you have yourself a hilarious little verbal cocktail.

I have to admit that I am forced to use your sentence context to understand the definition of some of the words you use... misanthropy is a good example...diatribe....catharsis....you smart little uncle of a shit-chasm.

I love it cause I'm dumb. It makes me feel smart that I know people that are smart...is that weird? ...or should I ask, is it peculiar? perhaps bizarre? (thats my attempt at coming up with smarter sounding words...)

I like your idea of bringing solid movie lines into the mix. Personally, I dont have the memory for it, but I know some guys that do. Mmmbahkus? MElens - you know some weird shit? Murph probably has some good Bruce Willis or Nick Cage lines...haha. Yippie-Ki-yay mother fuckers...

I must say, Kuch, the imagery of your "canned ham" comment...thats gold. What columns are you reading?? and what kind of child abuse did the writer endure that resulted in that perception of female genitals? And why is he giving advice? And most important of all....are you taking it? What a scary world this is if you are. I dont know that I would ever see a vagina and think..."hmmm... canned ham falling from the sky...brilliant! I'm going to save that for my next column!" Maybe I'm just simple minded...

Although, I am thouroughly entertained by your "gutteral one-liners," I have to admit, that if you threatened me with any of those in real life...I would not be daunted.

I think, I would at first find it funny...in the way that I might find a cow "mooing" in despair before coming face to face with the slaughter hammer might be funny.

I would fucking kiiiillllll someone for saying any of those to me, not because they are that hurtful, or because I found such dishonor in them, but merely because if you can say the following phrase,


"Whomsoever is your friend is a sycophant and those who love you, pathetic."


...chances are, I can beat the living shit out of you.

Easy pickins....I would almost see it as a duty to break your jaw and give you a permanent dork lisp to correspond to your dorky attempt at being a badass. A threat like that, is less of a threat, and more of an invitation for someone to smash your face...and feel great about it.

There's probably no greater feeling than having some smart ass talk some shit, highlight the fact that they are secretly a pussy by speaking with perfect grammar, and KNOW...right at that moment...you have a free pass to making sure that brain damage brings that clever little bitch back down to your level.

Thats evolution....thats natures way....always keeping things competitive.

Now, obviously I realize that in reality, my little castration speech would probably result in a similar response. And if it was the point of these e-mails to come up with truly deterring threats...they wouldnt be nearly as funny.

So dont get me wrong, that fact is not lost on me and thus I still appreciate your threat offerings....but that doesnt mean I am not still concerned for your safety.

Please just promise me that you wont ACTUALLY try any of those on people. In fact, Kuch, just dont try to talk shit to anyone...unless its your little cousin or something...no one that weighs more than a labradoodle.

So, as Kuch is the first responder to this call to competition, I have realized that I have failed to think about the details therein.

I realized that in order for a competition to truly exist, there must be some sort of evaluation process.

Being a big believer in the fundamentals of democracy, I think I have to put it up to a vote.

Here is the problem...As is true in real life...I am almost positive that not everyone will actually take the time to play the role of judge...thus I will retain the control of ultimate judgement, acting as dictator of the competition in the likely scenario where not enough votes are being provided to determine a clear winner.

I would argue that my resume in smack talking is a bit limited for me to deserve such a role, however, I consider myself to be a fair person and will try to bring that to this responsibility. Like the emergency exit seat in an airplane, this is a responsibility that I dont necessarily want, but I will perform if necessary.

Here's the judging rules....

provide a number between 1 and 10 - 1 being the worst, 10 being the best....Olympic games style. You are going to be judging on the following qualities:

-overall comedic value of the e-mail
-originality of threat
-inappropriateness of threat
-capacity for real-world usage
-style points

If, as in the scenario that Kuch has provided, you decide to include a compilation of threats, that is perfectly acceptable.

The judgement should be made upon the compilation. Really - the e-mail itself should judged, not necessarily the threats themselves...more how they are laid out, or introduced...and finally presented. (pretty much the only reason Kuch got higher than a 1 from me)

You may feel free to comment, as I have here, to affect other peoples voting. Voting alliances are acceptable (and if you dont want me to win...suggested)

Since, from my perspective, Kuch has proven that he needs to remain at the rookie level, I do not yet feel the need to compose a new threat. Lets see what kind of votes come back and if there are any others with a competitive spirit...


Kuch - I give you a 6. Feel free to give it another shot though. I want to see more "prolapsed sock of an asshole" type shit out of you...

You dont hear constructive criticism like that very often...

Later,

DLP"

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And Kuch's rebuttle to my judgment....

"Alright, I gotta defend myself. Sort of.

DLPs right, the following are weak shit:

"I won't waste saliva on your face."
"Whomsoever is your friend is a sycophant and those who love you, pathetic."

I was crunched on time for them, but it's no excuse. They're pretty bitchy, high-toned comments. Not hard to envision the context in which I imagined them, and why they're a little weak: in the sort of situation in which they'd be said, words aren't really going to matter much. Unless they're personal, like "You know the way that you still suck your thumb while you sleep and your favorite "get-it-on" mix is a compilation of old 70's folk music? It's cause you want to get fucked by your dad. You know, the ex-hippie pediatrician. Go on, think about it. You know it's true. All you can think about while we fuck is a patch of silver gray chest hair rubbing against your nostrils."

Now, I'm going to admit that the other ones aren't going to make anyone say anything other than "huh?" at a traffic stop. You don't say them unless you've got a real reason because they're not insults, they're judgments. Final words that you say to people you know, or are at least pretending to know via stereotype or something. The verbal equivalent of a shim beneath the armpit, something you don't say unless it's going to be the last thing you say to that person, either because you're actually shoving a sharpened toothbrush into their hairy greco-roman ribcage or your train is leaving fast, because it's only going to end one way if one of you doesn't get the fuck outta there.

"You are like a child whose God is whatever someone tells it."
"Dude, you are so shallow that I could fill your soul with an eyedropper."
"Go on, prove you're not senile."
"You were born like a dog and you'll die like one."

The last one is maybe the only one that is really and truly good, one I actually fantasized about using various versions of it when people tried to cheat me in Peru, which happened about fifty times a day.

Instead of taking the time to sort shit out with them after say, getting back the wrong change, just look at it, go, "huh, so you cheated me out of thirty-three cents on a cup of coffee. Ah well, I know it's hard out there" (you put a sort of sad smile on our face) "the education system is fucked, no integrity anywhere. You might say that you're actually not that bad of a guy, considering the garbage smelling filth you have for countrymen. It's almost like you're something higher than the maggoty mess of cum-rot that populates this place. Yeah," (make smile wider) "you were born like a dog. And if you're not corrupted, you'll die like one." And then walk off, perhaps into a swanky restaurant where meals are $10 per plate, twice more than most Peruvians earn in a day. No one will love you for what you've said, but if you want to talk about mental damage inflicted, it's high up on the scale.

Kuch"


-----------------------

And my response.....

"Kuch,

I'm glad you did defend yourself...because I feel like I did just pick out your worst one and fuck you in the ass with it. I agree with your self evaluation actually.

After your explanations, I wish to retract my previous score on these.

"...patch of silver gray chest hair rubbing against your nostrils." <--- that has a little something to do with it. You are ridiculous....I love it.

That is the most disgusting image I have ever reluctantly forced upon myself.

"shoving a sharpened toothbrush into their hairy greco-roman ribcage" <---another element adding to your eventual high score

The truth is, I really liked your "soul/eyedropper" one, although I still believe that it is haunted by the same problem as your "whomsoever" category...in that it is a tad geeky...but its got a threatening charm about it. Like maybe you should be scared of someone that might say something like that, not because they can physically back up a comment like that, but because they could go to their science lab and cook up a chemical concoction that could burn your face off.

Ohhhhh, and I love the theatrical spin you put on your "dog" insult. Thats going to please the judges. I'm not going to lie...you fantasize about some weird shit...but I like it. Thats what I was expecting out of you Kuch.

I give you a true 8.35.

That puts you in second after Bouch...(based on my votes only....I dont know why no one else is voting...lets get some commentarty on this shit peoples....Do you really want Bouch to win with a "you smell like wheat" insult?).

DLP"